Before 2017 ends

Hello World!


So it took me a long time before writing a follow through from my last post from 2016. Looking back, I can't recognize the same girl anymore who wrote the posts. Have you ever felt like a completely different person after being thrown, beaten and pushed to the edge? That's how I feel like now. But surprisingly, I say this without resentment because this struggle is exactly what made me better.

Structure-wise, I seem to have the same pattern of writing. I try to spout something random in my first paragraphs, when all I want to write about are my feelings for the rest of the paragraphs. Again, I've always been a person who has a lot of feelings. So I am just going to write now, regardless of grammar so that the amateur writer in me can stay calm and allow me to rest.

Let's call it cliche, but there's this man.

I don't know if you noticed my intentional use of the word "man" instead of "boy" or "guy." He is not some boy or some guy. He is man of manners, principles and most of all, man of God.
I cannot even begin to explain how magical and right it is when I am with this man.
Some people might roll their eyes and say, "here she goes again" but it feels different when I am with him. I am different, but in a good way.

He is able to say the right things, without compromising values and he makes me feel better using words that are not directly addressed to my feelings. It's like magic, I don't know how he does it and I don't know if he is even aware how amazing he is.
Surprisingly, I am not attached to this man. No matter how deeply involved I am already with him (HELP). This is a surprise because my friends know how I get attached easily and cling on to whoever could give me immediate gratification.

I just know, deep in my heart, this is not a one-time thing. There is something about this guy that makes me want to fall in love. His quirks, his expressive eyes and his calm nature, attracts me more and more each day. It's so easy to love him because he is a true and honest man, of which I am scared to love.

I am no longer the girl I used to be. I can say, I've grown into a real kind-of-independent woman. Whenever I am sad, I turn to the most High and not rely on superficial things in the world that gives temporary happiness. I am able to express myself better now than before. But I am still a work in progress. I still think I have a tendency to sin, and lose my direction. That's why I am scared to drag this awesome man to a wilderness I might create in the future.

Everyday, I try to be better. I try to learn and explore new paths that I didn't know was possible to walk upon. With that mindset, I don't know where my feet will take me in the future. That is why, if I am to pursue this man, with all my mind, heart, and soul, will he be able to keep up with me? Will it be a struggle for him to sometimes set aside his dreams and plans for me? Or am I the one to adjust to his path? Will I be happy about it?

To answer one of your questions in mind (which you probably have), he did say he likes me. We are already at a phase where we're almost there. But both of us are cautious, because we don't want to hurt each other. I finally found a man with the same intensity of feelings and pace that I have. Lord has been so good to me. The thing is, we want to make sure. That's why both of us are fasting about it. Since we're both addicted to online games, we decided to give that up and have almost zero communication so that we can focus to the Lord.

Today is the 2nd day, and I miss him terribly.
I see him at church but it doesn't feel right not ending the day without his goodnight.
But through him, I learned to rely so much to the Lord.
In my weakness, the Lord uses it as a strength.
As I get to know his will, he may not show all the answers to me, but I guess all steps are done in faith. No matter how risky, I know God has my back. He wants the best for both of us whether we end up together or not.

I'll be updating this. Thanks for reading!


XXXXX

I just decided to wake up and write.

This is one of my few posts that doesn't make sense. I decided to wake up at 2:33 AM to simply just write. It feels good to simply sit on my chair and type something. I've always been a grammar nazi and being one, I'm conscious of my own writing. Sometimes it just feels good to write anything without structure or rules. 

Lately, I have been struggling very deeply. It has been a part of me to constantly feel deeply about life. Some people call me serious and I always ask myself if being serious means not having fun. I am a pretty laid back person. Contrary to what others view of me. I am almost never angry. Although I get irritated by simple, mundane things. I forgive easily. I laugh at random and awkward times. Overall, I think I can be friends with anyone. 

What I cannot understand is why this post has no direction. I don't know what I'm saying but I'm simply typing. It's ironic how I teach my students proper tenses, coherence and unity in both speaking and writing and yet, here I am. Dangling clauses, misplaced modifiers, fragments and incorrect usage of vocabularies.

I don't really know how or what I should feel right now. It has been a struggle everyday to continue moving and taking a step farther away from the past. Maybe I am just really sick right now because my throat hurts so badly. But mostly because I'm finally living day by day and there's so many emotions to feel. I am literally living day by day because I have to save my money for my dreams. I cannot relax nor can I move more faster. I am stuck in this normal pace I am not used to. I am between yes or no and wrong or right. 

I guess this is what it means to be an indecisive person I have always hated. I guess, I can't have direction with this post because I don't have a direction in my life. 

Lately, I have been madly infatuated with someone. He is a typical guy with a very typical life. He's nothing like the people I used to like. Nothing like the guys I used to date. Nothing like the standards I set upon men in general. This is why I think he is attractive.

In terms of appearances, he's very average looking. He's not even that tall. He's really your typical average guy and I can't emphasize that enough. But I guess, his charm is him being too normal. All too many times, I look for guys who I think are superficial. I am guilty of being instantly attracted to superficial things such as good looks, wealth or tall height. However, with this guy, there's not a speck of superficiality. He is just him and when I am with him, I am just me.

I am not the girl from the famous elite school. I am not the girl who has a name. I am just simply me and he is just simply him. Which is why it is scary. 

If I become too comfortable with a person, I easily get attached to them. I show them my dreams. I open my heart. In short, I become fragile. Mainly because I trust too much. You see, innocence still hasn't left me. 

I got hurt today because I found out that he was just nice to me and friendly.
He is also just the same with other girls.
As much as I want to curse at him and call him names and make up stories and do a lot of bad things a psycho ex girlfriend would do. 
I just won't do it anymore because I am tired of feeling things.

Maybe that's it. I'm just really tired tonight. My throat really hurts badly. 
I'm just tired.

Good night