Pain demands to be felt.

Have you ever felt that you shouldn't talk to someone because you don't want to burden them with your own burdens? This is exactly what I feel right now. I'm keeping it all inside. Keeping it intact. Polishing it with lies and deceit that I am okay and I am truly happy. But deep in my very core, I know I am not okay. Okay is such a weird word. You say okay when you're not, you say okay when you really are. I guess I really have so many feels after watching TFIOS. Truth be told, it took me a lot of guts to watch it alone. It also made me very proud of myself because I was able to go shopping (for school supplies tho haha) and watch a movie alone. It made me feel independent. It made me feel the love I have for myself that even if I didn't have the luxury of time or money (LIKE I'M DEAD SERIOUS) I wanted to spoil myself with things I usually neglect for myself. Independence is something I should learn from now on. I'm gonna need it, very soon.

I've been in a roller coaster of emotions these past few days, believe me. What scares me is this numbness. No matter what I do, I can't cry. No matter what I do, I can't feel any thing anymore. I shrug everything off as if it's nothing. That's scaring the hell out of me. I don't want to be the dead, emotionless version of myself. But just like what I told my bestfriend, I think this is my way of coping. I'm at the stage of denial. I'm well aware of that. I'm well aware of what's happening but I'm choosing to just ignore it because I don't want to face the pain. And I'm not sure if anyone's willing to listen. Or if anyone's ready to see my horrid face when I cry a bucket full of tears.

But God has been so good to me this summer. And every day, every morning, I wake up with a heart full of gladness. Not because I forget what's happening but because I'm very positive for a good day. Sometimes, it's all you need. You cannot take all these pain alone nor you cannot handle it altogether. But each day at a time, you have a chance to cope and recuperate. Maybe not completely, or instantly, but slowly, progressively, you'd be able to smile again. I can't do this without my God, I bet you too.

Whatever you're struggling for, crying for, hurting for, here is me, broken beyond repair but still hoping. So this is a little favor, please be hopeful yourself. Cry if you must but don't give up. I'm with you. Whether you're sick, afraid, or helpless. I am no God, but sometimes, I know we all just need a listening friend. Just a pat on the shoulder.

Just a reminder that, you'll be alright. So hey you, it's only a bad day, not a bad life. Let's be hopeful together.