Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.
Friday, October 28, 2016
I just decided to wake up and write.
This is one of my few posts that doesn't make sense. I decided to wake up at 2:33 AM to simply just write. It feels good to simply sit on my chair and type something. I've always been a grammar nazi and being one, I'm conscious of my own writing. Sometimes it just feels good to write anything without structure or rules.
Lately, I have been struggling very deeply. It has been a part of me to constantly feel deeply about life. Some people call me serious and I always ask myself if being serious means not having fun. I am a pretty laid back person. Contrary to what others view of me. I am almost never angry. Although I get irritated by simple, mundane things. I forgive easily. I laugh at random and awkward times. Overall, I think I can be friends with anyone.
What I cannot understand is why this post has no direction. I don't know what I'm saying but I'm simply typing. It's ironic how I teach my students proper tenses, coherence and unity in both speaking and writing and yet, here I am. Dangling clauses, misplaced modifiers, fragments and incorrect usage of vocabularies.
I don't really know how or what I should feel right now. It has been a struggle everyday to continue moving and taking a step farther away from the past. Maybe I am just really sick right now because my throat hurts so badly. But mostly because I'm finally living day by day and there's so many emotions to feel. I am literally living day by day because I have to save my money for my dreams. I cannot relax nor can I move more faster. I am stuck in this normal pace I am not used to. I am between yes or no and wrong or right.
I guess this is what it means to be an indecisive person I have always hated. I guess, I can't have direction with this post because I don't have a direction in my life.
Lately, I have been madly infatuated with someone. He is a typical guy with a very typical life. He's nothing like the people I used to like. Nothing like the guys I used to date. Nothing like the standards I set upon men in general. This is why I think he is attractive.
In terms of appearances, he's very average looking. He's not even that tall. He's really your typical average guy and I can't emphasize that enough. But I guess, his charm is him being too normal. All too many times, I look for guys who I think are superficial. I am guilty of being instantly attracted to superficial things such as good looks, wealth or tall height. However, with this guy, there's not a speck of superficiality. He is just him and when I am with him, I am just me.
I am not the girl from the famous elite school. I am not the girl who has a name. I am just simply me and he is just simply him. Which is why it is scary.
If I become too comfortable with a person, I easily get attached to them. I show them my dreams. I open my heart. In short, I become fragile. Mainly because I trust too much. You see, innocence still hasn't left me.
I got hurt today because I found out that he was just nice to me and friendly.
He is also just the same with other girls.
As much as I want to curse at him and call him names and make up stories and do a lot of bad things a psycho ex girlfriend would do.
I just won't do it anymore because I am tired of feeling things.
Maybe that's it. I'm just really tired tonight. My throat really hurts badly.
I'm just tired.
Good night
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