I just decided to wake up and write.

This is one of my few posts that doesn't make sense. I decided to wake up at 2:33 AM to simply just write. It feels good to simply sit on my chair and type something. I've always been a grammar nazi and being one, I'm conscious of my own writing. Sometimes it just feels good to write anything without structure or rules. 

Lately, I have been struggling very deeply. It has been a part of me to constantly feel deeply about life. Some people call me serious and I always ask myself if being serious means not having fun. I am a pretty laid back person. Contrary to what others view of me. I am almost never angry. Although I get irritated by simple, mundane things. I forgive easily. I laugh at random and awkward times. Overall, I think I can be friends with anyone. 

What I cannot understand is why this post has no direction. I don't know what I'm saying but I'm simply typing. It's ironic how I teach my students proper tenses, coherence and unity in both speaking and writing and yet, here I am. Dangling clauses, misplaced modifiers, fragments and incorrect usage of vocabularies.

I don't really know how or what I should feel right now. It has been a struggle everyday to continue moving and taking a step farther away from the past. Maybe I am just really sick right now because my throat hurts so badly. But mostly because I'm finally living day by day and there's so many emotions to feel. I am literally living day by day because I have to save my money for my dreams. I cannot relax nor can I move more faster. I am stuck in this normal pace I am not used to. I am between yes or no and wrong or right. 

I guess this is what it means to be an indecisive person I have always hated. I guess, I can't have direction with this post because I don't have a direction in my life. 

Lately, I have been madly infatuated with someone. He is a typical guy with a very typical life. He's nothing like the people I used to like. Nothing like the guys I used to date. Nothing like the standards I set upon men in general. This is why I think he is attractive.

In terms of appearances, he's very average looking. He's not even that tall. He's really your typical average guy and I can't emphasize that enough. But I guess, his charm is him being too normal. All too many times, I look for guys who I think are superficial. I am guilty of being instantly attracted to superficial things such as good looks, wealth or tall height. However, with this guy, there's not a speck of superficiality. He is just him and when I am with him, I am just me.

I am not the girl from the famous elite school. I am not the girl who has a name. I am just simply me and he is just simply him. Which is why it is scary. 

If I become too comfortable with a person, I easily get attached to them. I show them my dreams. I open my heart. In short, I become fragile. Mainly because I trust too much. You see, innocence still hasn't left me. 

I got hurt today because I found out that he was just nice to me and friendly.
He is also just the same with other girls.
As much as I want to curse at him and call him names and make up stories and do a lot of bad things a psycho ex girlfriend would do. 
I just won't do it anymore because I am tired of feeling things.

Maybe that's it. I'm just really tired tonight. My throat really hurts badly. 
I'm just tired.

Good night