The letter I never sent you

Hi, it's me again.

I know you must be sick of how hopeless romantic I can be. I know I've already sent you a dozen messages, some of which are overly dramatic and some were just plain nonsense. I just think that my feelings never came across. If that's the case though, why am I still writing this? I just don't know.

I can't stop. Stop thinking about you. Stop seeing you in places. Stop believing that we still have what we used to have.

The day I met you, I started believing in fate and destiny. But the day I lost you, I also lost faith in destiny. I knew you were everybody's. A person who belongs to everyone. A free- spirited, funny and amazing guy. A person who everyone wants to hang out with. 
Upon reading that maybe you just smirked a little right now.

At first I didn't want to be involved with you. I just didn't want to become a suffix to your name.

But everyday seemed like a cycle of denial and acceptance. It really didn't help me sleep at night you know. Well maybe because you were also a paradox yourself. I just couldn't understand you.

You were complicated, irrational at times and conceited, but I liked you anyway.
Sorry for our petty fights. I was guarding my heart you see. I was guarding my already bruised ego and saving the last ounce of my dignity. 

I felt everything was one-sided though. Maybe i was delusional for thinking I was special. 
I just wanted to be your redemption because you were mine.

I know you never loved me, and I will always ask the heavens if you ever even liked me.

In my heart, I will always remember you in the cold morning where I always prayed for us.
I will always remember your silhouette when the sun sets by the bay.
I will remember your perfect face illuminated by the city lights when we first went home together.
How fondly and loving you spoke of the important people in your life. 
How your eyes burned with passion when you tell me about the things you love and like.

Let me remember the day I first saw you behind that huge heavy door two Christmases ago. The day you told me it's okay if it's me, the night you called because it was my birthday, let me keep it. Let me keep those memories. 

In turn, remember me not for the times I fought you, ignored you, and hurt you. Remember me not of all my awkward hi and hello's. Please remember me as the girl who wanted to hug you and melt all your fears away that night at the top of the ferris wheel. The girl who would always admire you from afar. 

Maybe we d‪on't really need to find reason and meaning with what happen to us. 
Because if we did, we would always be just searching when the answer is just right in front of us.

Just give me a little more time. To drown in my tears a little more, to a few more sleepless nights, in my desperate attempts to relive our moments.
And finally, to end my dreams of us. 

You were never a nightmare, you were just a sad, painful dream.

Till then,
Patch

When I thought I’ve already been through it before

When days seem to pass very quickly, when the day quickly turns into night, I have hope in my heart that this pain would leave without me noticing it. That somewhere along the days of the year, I could easily forget about you and just move on.

But in between the idle moments and the dull minutes of my every day busy life, I just can’t forget about you.

How you made me feel, how you cared in little ways. Your smile that is practically embedded in my memory. Don’t you ever feel that it goes unappreciated because it always was.

All the little things, I would forever keep them in my heart. And as I say goodbye, I won’t say goodbye of our memories. As few as they are, they are my gems.

Those unexpected meetings, they weren't a coincidence.

And us meeting would never be a coincidence. Because for the first time in my life, I believed that two people were actually meant to meet each other. But was just not really meant to be together.

I’m crying as I type this. I’m crying for our almost. And I’m crying for all the what ifs.

Before I was doubtful if I ever did love you but after seeing you so happy even without me, I realized, I do love you. After a long time, I've put someone’s happiness over my own.

Love is a decision.

And I’ve decided to let you go because it was already too poisonous for us.

Our relationship is just a big question mark from the start; I’m finally putting a conclusion to it.

I know some point in my life, I’d regret it. And maybe I do now, but what else do I have to do?

When loving you was all I did.

But you never loved me back. Even if you did, you never said it to me.

Every day, I battle with pain, love and anger in my heart. There are some days that pain wins and I crawl back to our comfortable but unnamed relationship. When anger wins, my ego and pride rises through. But when loves wins, I can forgive you and us.

I love you and I hate that I have to go through this phase again where it’s not okay. Every day is not okay.

I love you and I’m not okay. Because it hurts to see you, it hurts to say your name, it hurts to remember you in everything. It hurts to be alone again and again and again.

When I thought I've already been through it before, I never knew there are different kinds of pain. And this pain I’m feeling, I know there would be a lot more days that I have to endure this.

It gets harder each passing night.

But I’ll learn to stop loving you, soon.

XXXXXX