When I thought I’ve already been through it before

When days seem to pass very quickly, when the day quickly turns into night, I have hope in my heart that this pain would leave without me noticing it. That somewhere along the days of the year, I could easily forget about you and just move on.

But in between the idle moments and the dull minutes of my every day busy life, I just can’t forget about you.

How you made me feel, how you cared in little ways. Your smile that is practically embedded in my memory. Don’t you ever feel that it goes unappreciated because it always was.

All the little things, I would forever keep them in my heart. And as I say goodbye, I won’t say goodbye of our memories. As few as they are, they are my gems.

Those unexpected meetings, they weren't a coincidence.

And us meeting would never be a coincidence. Because for the first time in my life, I believed that two people were actually meant to meet each other. But was just not really meant to be together.

I’m crying as I type this. I’m crying for our almost. And I’m crying for all the what ifs.

Before I was doubtful if I ever did love you but after seeing you so happy even without me, I realized, I do love you. After a long time, I've put someone’s happiness over my own.

Love is a decision.

And I’ve decided to let you go because it was already too poisonous for us.

Our relationship is just a big question mark from the start; I’m finally putting a conclusion to it.

I know some point in my life, I’d regret it. And maybe I do now, but what else do I have to do?

When loving you was all I did.

But you never loved me back. Even if you did, you never said it to me.

Every day, I battle with pain, love and anger in my heart. There are some days that pain wins and I crawl back to our comfortable but unnamed relationship. When anger wins, my ego and pride rises through. But when loves wins, I can forgive you and us.

I love you and I hate that I have to go through this phase again where it’s not okay. Every day is not okay.

I love you and I’m not okay. Because it hurts to see you, it hurts to say your name, it hurts to remember you in everything. It hurts to be alone again and again and again.

When I thought I've already been through it before, I never knew there are different kinds of pain. And this pain I’m feeling, I know there would be a lot more days that I have to endure this.

It gets harder each passing night.

But I’ll learn to stop loving you, soon.

XXXXXX