I just decided to wake up and write.

This is one of my few posts that doesn't make sense. I decided to wake up at 2:33 AM to simply just write. It feels good to simply sit on my chair and type something. I've always been a grammar nazi and being one, I'm conscious of my own writing. Sometimes it just feels good to write anything without structure or rules. 

Lately, I have been struggling very deeply. It has been a part of me to constantly feel deeply about life. Some people call me serious and I always ask myself if being serious means not having fun. I am a pretty laid back person. Contrary to what others view of me. I am almost never angry. Although I get irritated by simple, mundane things. I forgive easily. I laugh at random and awkward times. Overall, I think I can be friends with anyone. 

What I cannot understand is why this post has no direction. I don't know what I'm saying but I'm simply typing. It's ironic how I teach my students proper tenses, coherence and unity in both speaking and writing and yet, here I am. Dangling clauses, misplaced modifiers, fragments and incorrect usage of vocabularies.

I don't really know how or what I should feel right now. It has been a struggle everyday to continue moving and taking a step farther away from the past. Maybe I am just really sick right now because my throat hurts so badly. But mostly because I'm finally living day by day and there's so many emotions to feel. I am literally living day by day because I have to save my money for my dreams. I cannot relax nor can I move more faster. I am stuck in this normal pace I am not used to. I am between yes or no and wrong or right. 

I guess this is what it means to be an indecisive person I have always hated. I guess, I can't have direction with this post because I don't have a direction in my life. 

Lately, I have been madly infatuated with someone. He is a typical guy with a very typical life. He's nothing like the people I used to like. Nothing like the guys I used to date. Nothing like the standards I set upon men in general. This is why I think he is attractive.

In terms of appearances, he's very average looking. He's not even that tall. He's really your typical average guy and I can't emphasize that enough. But I guess, his charm is him being too normal. All too many times, I look for guys who I think are superficial. I am guilty of being instantly attracted to superficial things such as good looks, wealth or tall height. However, with this guy, there's not a speck of superficiality. He is just him and when I am with him, I am just me.

I am not the girl from the famous elite school. I am not the girl who has a name. I am just simply me and he is just simply him. Which is why it is scary. 

If I become too comfortable with a person, I easily get attached to them. I show them my dreams. I open my heart. In short, I become fragile. Mainly because I trust too much. You see, innocence still hasn't left me. 

I got hurt today because I found out that he was just nice to me and friendly.
He is also just the same with other girls.
As much as I want to curse at him and call him names and make up stories and do a lot of bad things a psycho ex girlfriend would do. 
I just won't do it anymore because I am tired of feeling things.

Maybe that's it. I'm just really tired tonight. My throat really hurts badly. 
I'm just tired.

Good night

How one year can change everything

It blew my mind when I saw that my last blog post was actually February 14th of last year. I am amazed at how things seem depressing back then and how I've learned to love myself overtime.

Last year, I was not able to move on from a certain guy I caught feelings of love for. It was a short-lived, adrenaline-high relationship. We weren't the perfect couple; in fact we weren't really a couple. We acted like it in some way. We talked almost everyday. We knew each other's schedules and favorite time of the day. We knew almost every detail of each other's lives except for one thing: we didn't know what each other felt.

Looking back, I am thankful for what happened. I am thankful for surviving through numerous heartbreaks and seeing my love life in a different perspective. Before, I relied too much on others' approval. I was scared to death with people's opinions and judgments of me. I believe this hindered my growth and my potentials as a person. Whenever I feel immediate gratification from people who give me love, I cling on to it and it becomes the focus of my life. It was a phase I believe every teenager has to go through. It was making love their number one priority.

However the question is, what if you're really not meant to find the one for you at this age? I'm speaking as someone who has sacrificed a lot of stupid things for love and that is why I believe it is a stupid decision to prioritize a person above everything else in your life. As one, it can destroy you if they walk away and two, it distracts you from the real blessings life has to offer. Throughout high school, I was so in love with the idea of love. I was craving for it, and hopelessly aiming for it. I was cured from the love sick puppy dog disease until Junior year of college. It all became clear to me how silly I have become because I was too desperate to have someone in my life.

You may have asked yourself a dozen times, why don't boys notice me? And if you're bitter, why do boys like shallow, air-headed girls (I'm sorry for the term)? It's the usual motivation of every teenage girl in wearing more tight clothes, perfecting that eyebrow arch, and starving themselves to death. While it's normal to make yourself pretty for the opposite sex; believe me, it's toxic.

That is why I am here to tell you, in all honesty, and without pretensions, that you'll come across a person who wouldn't mind if your hair is a mess, if you're out of shape and exercise, and you look like a hobo. There would be a person who would appreciate you for your intelligence, hobbies, sports, personality and everything about you. Sometimes, you do not even need to make an effort in becoming interesting. You're natural charm and wit will attract them closer to you.

You do not need to pretend who you are because that's tiring. You do not have to compromise your values such as virginity and your stand against vices because you'll lose yourself along the way. Stick to who you are. Stick to what you're interested in. 

It took me a long time to understand this. I've always been a person who adapted the hobbies of the person very close to me which lead me to question who I really am and what do I really want in life. When I was able to do what I wanted to, I was able to fill the void I was feeling when I was finding a boyfriend.

The answer was me all along. The answer was fulfilling my heart's desire in becoming the best version of myself. To date, I can list all of my achievements that made me successful but it's not achievement recognized by my external environment. These are achievements I have set for myself and goals I have yet to recognize. One by one, as I tick the things I have achieved, I am overwhelmed by how far I've already gone.

You can do a lot of things in a year but my advice is, make your happiness your priority and everything else will follow.  


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