Oh, love!

I have never been extremely good with words so please bear with me. 

Sometimes I feel as though life is unfair for my friends and I when it comes to love. I never tried writing a blog post about love because it may appear shallow and I may not be able to express what I really want to say. 
But I would like to say now, if I really do have someone for me(?) Where are you?

I get it guys okay? I'm young, I'm single, I have all the time in the world to be happy but it's just, a nagging thought that I'm still alone in this journey.

I know it won't matter when I turn 21, because everyone says, it's just a phase, which I really think it is but then ohmygosh love hurts so bad. 

Wala naman ginagawa ang love sa akin pero it hurts talaga e. Yun na nga e, wala pang ginagawa ang sakit na po. 

It's so unfair for us girls. So unfair to wait for those guys. Those guys we know will only play with what we feel. It's so unfair that we can't do anything about it except cry and try to justify/defend ourselves.

It's so unfair to see that their life has moved on without us. It was so easy, so easy for them to forget about us. To find another girl to play with and another heart to break. 

All we can do is wait. Wait and see if someone will try to take the initiative to really know us. To go beyond physical appearances. 

What hurts is I see my lovely friends, so lovely I wish any guy could see it. But today, guys don't go for lovely personalities. They go for whatever is pleasing to their eyes atm.

This is why I hate conceited people. Because they're all about how they look and how they're so attractive. 
I can't blame them, I know but then again, life's so much more than what we appear or how we look in another's eyes.

I don't know, maybe it's just wishful thinking. If your heart gets broken a lot of times, you'll understand life is tough for us down here. 

Makes you pessimistic but then I won't fall for that trap. I once did. I'm never going to repeat that again. I promised myself this is the new me. And my efforts from before to move on would be useless if I dwell on the bad stuff again.

So yea, to my enemies, who loves seeing me be trampled down. You won.

But only for today.

Time check: 3:55 am

I have no topic in mind as I write this post. Maybe you'll get to witness once again how random I am especially at 3 (almost 4) am in the morning.

I'm not really sleepy at all which is a very big surprise. It kind of makes me guilty since I should use the energy (I don't know where it's coming from) to study for my midterms in Lit.

But somehow (here it goes) I'm not really motivated to do anything. Or to study for that matter.
I've got this moods that no matter how much I try to motivate myself. It's just not working. Okay.

But I really really hate myself for this. Because it's an opportunity that's lost for the future.
I don't know if it's the lack of inspiration but I've never been that type either.

I guess it's really just one of those moods.

I'd like to share you a dream of mine a few nights before.

It was of a boy, a freakishly thin and tall boy.
In my dream I fell in love with him. We were textmates (very modern right?)
But he was sick.

And it was his last day on earth.
And yes, he chose to spend it with me.
That is why that dream is so memorable.

I woke up feeling elated. I was still really blushing until the afternoon.

I don't know why, but my dreams are always so vivid.
I get the feeling that I'm the next prophet or something. Lol.
But.. really, I wish to see this person.

It's sad, because my dream ended when I asked him, "Do you have to go?"
He was not my type at all. Although a slightest hint showed he loved anime which is yes, a good thing.

But then again, he was so tall for me and so thin.
His sickness is that his body refuses to accept anything that he eats.
It's sad right? And what's so sweet is that in my dream.

We didn't care about any of those. What mattered was the two of us, together, on his last day.

I guess I just miss the feeling of being in love.
Or maybe I'm in love with love.

I don't know if it's bad though? Because it's what I feel. And maybe I'm entitled to what I'm feeling.

I'm only human after all.
If I feel lazy, I'd be lazy. If  I feel sad, I'll feel sad. I don't have to force myself.
Because this is how I live my life. And this how I will learn.

But I know now what should I do, I should just go to sleep.
Then again, maybe not.

I spend too much time on unnecessary things. I'm afraid guilt is consuming me.
I can't cope with leisure time after all.

But I know this is bad. It's bad to be a worry-wart.
No matter what I do, I can't really make a resolve.

So help me God.

I really need to take things slow and reflect.
Too much has been going on at home, and at school.

Maybe all of this is just a facade and I mistook it for something deeper, some psychological problem or something.
But I'm not the type to get pulled down by this.

I must reincarnate.
(I love Phoenix's btw)

I guess I'm the only one awake at this hour.
Wake me up when August ends.

No, I'm just kidding.
I just hope I do great in my Lit exam.
Which I can tell you honestly that I think I have studied but only thought that I have studied but I did not study at all.

But I really did study. Haha.

Good night.

XXXXXX