I hate how vulnerable I am with love

This is it. My conscious mind won't let me write my research paper peacefully until I've written down exactly how I feel at the moment. This bothersome thoughts are driving me crazy. I'm out of technical words for my paper because I just really can't think straight.

I'm going to put my feelings into words now. After this, I might as well get a grip of myself and start working my a** off.

I hate how vulnerable I am with love.
Everyone knows how long it takes before I get comfortable with any person. I put barriers and I put them good. But who am I kidding? The moment I see someone's goodness in them, I easily melt those barriers and open my heart to them.

I believe this is why people are taken for granted. Good people open themselves to a possibility of getting hurt and disappointed. They just never learn do they? I am really one of them.

I always thought I am bullet-proof (insert Titanium song here) but who am I kidding? I'm no superwoman. I am no titanium. I'm just a vulnerable person with a fragile heart.

I cry a lot, it's a fact. I get touched easily by acts of kindness. I am moved easily with feelings of sympathy and pity. I am just like any other human being in this world, vulnerable.

The thing is, I hate people who are quite the opposite.
I did not choose to be like this, I like to believe that I was born this way (insert born this way song here).
Maybe, people who are quite the opposite, did not choose to be like that either.
But I like to believe they did choose to be like that. Closed, restrained and insensitive.

I know I am a bit harsh but I guess, my past experiences molded me to become like this. Bitter and resentful. Circumstances lead me to this, writing this utterly senseless blog post.

It's not love itself that is discouraging, it's the people whom you choose to give love to that is and they eventually end up disappointing you.

Can it just be, "Hey I like you. I feel there's a thing going on here so I'd like us to try." No ifs, no buts.
Can't we all just stop pretending to be who we are really not, just for the sake of impressing other people.

Can't we just be true to our core. Say what we feel. Stick to our promises. And just love whoever we want to love.

Why does love have to be so complicated? (This is really so irritatingly cliche)

I hate how I'm digging my own grave. How I know it's really not working and I pretend that it would because I am so vulnerable with love.

Can you blame me if I get too annoyed, impatient and selfish?
I hate how we should stumble through a lot of wrong people before we find the right persons to love.
I hate how I'm so sentimental with love.

But someone who truly loves me, I believe, would understand where I am coming from.

I am really feeling so down and dreary. It feels like I'm so tired. I want to cry but I can't.
I'm okay I know that. I can go on, I've been through this.

But why does it feel like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders?

I don't know the source of all this. It can't be one thing.

I KNOW THAT I'M JUST REALLY DRAMATIC.
Sometimes I feel like there's just really no one there to listen.
No one there to give what I'm ready to give.
No one there to love as much as I would love.

I'm back to being the old me.

I wish this phase would pass soon. I know it'll eventually will.
But I hope I'll not forget this feeling.

This is to remind me that being vulnerable would push people to take you for granted. I'm done with that. I've spent 17 years of my life being so vulnerable and always choosing what's best for other people. Always saying yes instead of saying no.

I'm going to practice the new me.
The one who chooses not to care. Not to mind. Not to say anything at all.

Maybe for a while. Until then, let me.

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You are entitled to what you feel

There comes a time when you really like someone you'd do anything and everything for them.

Even to the point of controlling your anger and extending your patience to the little things that they do that hurt you. 
After a while, I realized this is wrong.

You should embrace how you feel because you are entitled to it.
If they cannot handle it, then it's not your problem. It's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes we underestimate a person's understanding. Maybe they'll understand, maybe they won't.
But if they do understand, then that's the time you should let down your pride.

Don't feel guilty getting frustrated or getting hurt.
Don't withhold how you feel because you want to please them.
Most of all, if they think you're too dramatic then you already have a clue. It's as simple as they cannot accept you at your worst. 

At this age, it's hard to decipher if what we're feeling is what we really do feel or we're just caught up in the moment. 
Teenagers are very melancholic and we give priority to love more than we should.

But again, it's not something we should feel guilty about.
It might be a phase or it might be who we really are.

As long as it doesn't hurt anyone why should we withhold giving love to a person we like?
In the same way, why should we keep all these pain if this is what we really feel?

There's someone who's going to understand you.
They're going to be patient with your #12amhits tweets.
Kiss your eyes or hold your hand or even just put there arm around you when you cry.
Just be there even when you insist you want to be alone.


We all want big things, but deep inside, I believe all we want is assurance.

Assurance that we don't look like fools being gaga over someone we like/love.
Assurance that the person cares for what we feel.
Assurance that someone really wants to listen to you genuinely.
Assurance that a person doesn't want to hurt you and even if they do hurt you, would still care for you after a fight.

Assurance that they won't judge you. That they'd accept you. Your sense of style, your humor, your priorities in life.

Someone who will assure you that you are entitled to what you feel. 

It's hard waiting around for someone who doesn't really care how you feel.
It's easier to wait for someone who will.

If you feel sad today, (even if it's because of the rain) then be sad.
If you feel happy, share your happiness with everyone and anyone.
If you're feeling afraid, then confront your fears.

It's okay not to be okay.
After all, the truth will set you free.

XXXXXX

“Where I would like to be career-wise 10 years from now”

Just wanted to share this, just a short essay for a subject (which I forgot) last year:

A decade is actually not too long. It can pass by in a blink of an eye. If you don’t use it wisely therefore, you would have regrets in the succeeding years after that. A friend once told me, you can only go forward or backwards in your life. For me, I am constantly choosing to keep moving forward.

            Ten years from now, I would be living alone. Not because I want to isolate myself but because I am self-sufficient. Meaning my job alone can suffice for all my needs. I need not to rely on anyone because I would be independent. I know I would have a prestigious title someday. I am almost certain that I would be a manager. I am claiming this as early as now. Also, I am certain that I would be an educator. Ten years from now, I would have inspired young children to follow their dream too, the same way I did.  But my mother would always tell me you cannot serve two masters at a time. I love both my careers but it might be hard to juggle them in the near future. I let God handle that. For me, there’s no harm in trying to follow what you really desire. Teaching is close to my heart and training people to maximize their full potential is what I do best. In the near future, whatever comes first, whether the situation and the circumstances demands that I should teach first among the less fortunate or I would be a manager first and achieve the highest attainable position, I would have no regrets. Maybe both can happen and it’s not up to me to decide but from the one above. Career-wise, I expect my life to have reached its peak. At twenty-eight years old, I must have reached at least a half of what I really want in life. There should be fulfilment in what I do and I must strive to continue to be better.

            Just like what Steve Job has said, “Your work is going to fill large part in your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.” Ten years from now might be a short time for other people, but ten years for me would lead me to my road of success.



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