I hate how vulnerable I am with love

This is it. My conscious mind won't let me write my research paper peacefully until I've written down exactly how I feel at the moment. This bothersome thoughts are driving me crazy. I'm out of technical words for my paper because I just really can't think straight.

I'm going to put my feelings into words now. After this, I might as well get a grip of myself and start working my a** off.

I hate how vulnerable I am with love.
Everyone knows how long it takes before I get comfortable with any person. I put barriers and I put them good. But who am I kidding? The moment I see someone's goodness in them, I easily melt those barriers and open my heart to them.

I believe this is why people are taken for granted. Good people open themselves to a possibility of getting hurt and disappointed. They just never learn do they? I am really one of them.

I always thought I am bullet-proof (insert Titanium song here) but who am I kidding? I'm no superwoman. I am no titanium. I'm just a vulnerable person with a fragile heart.

I cry a lot, it's a fact. I get touched easily by acts of kindness. I am moved easily with feelings of sympathy and pity. I am just like any other human being in this world, vulnerable.

The thing is, I hate people who are quite the opposite.
I did not choose to be like this, I like to believe that I was born this way (insert born this way song here).
Maybe, people who are quite the opposite, did not choose to be like that either.
But I like to believe they did choose to be like that. Closed, restrained and insensitive.

I know I am a bit harsh but I guess, my past experiences molded me to become like this. Bitter and resentful. Circumstances lead me to this, writing this utterly senseless blog post.

It's not love itself that is discouraging, it's the people whom you choose to give love to that is and they eventually end up disappointing you.

Can it just be, "Hey I like you. I feel there's a thing going on here so I'd like us to try." No ifs, no buts.
Can't we all just stop pretending to be who we are really not, just for the sake of impressing other people.

Can't we just be true to our core. Say what we feel. Stick to our promises. And just love whoever we want to love.

Why does love have to be so complicated? (This is really so irritatingly cliche)

I hate how I'm digging my own grave. How I know it's really not working and I pretend that it would because I am so vulnerable with love.

Can you blame me if I get too annoyed, impatient and selfish?
I hate how we should stumble through a lot of wrong people before we find the right persons to love.
I hate how I'm so sentimental with love.

But someone who truly loves me, I believe, would understand where I am coming from.

I am really feeling so down and dreary. It feels like I'm so tired. I want to cry but I can't.
I'm okay I know that. I can go on, I've been through this.

But why does it feel like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders?

I don't know the source of all this. It can't be one thing.

I KNOW THAT I'M JUST REALLY DRAMATIC.
Sometimes I feel like there's just really no one there to listen.
No one there to give what I'm ready to give.
No one there to love as much as I would love.

I'm back to being the old me.

I wish this phase would pass soon. I know it'll eventually will.
But I hope I'll not forget this feeling.

This is to remind me that being vulnerable would push people to take you for granted. I'm done with that. I've spent 17 years of my life being so vulnerable and always choosing what's best for other people. Always saying yes instead of saying no.

I'm going to practice the new me.
The one who chooses not to care. Not to mind. Not to say anything at all.

Maybe for a while. Until then, let me.

XXXXXX