Time check: 1:49 am
Let me tell you a story of a young girl, desperate for attention and love and was really insecure with her physical appearance. She compared herself with everyone until she drowns in self-pity. She had a lot of friends but was unable to trust any of them. One day, she fell in love with a guy and made him her world. She was desperate for the guy and she lost all her dignity and respect for herself in order to win the heart of the guy. She got what she wanted and the guy fell in love with her but she felt that she wasn't deserving of the guy's attention and love. She wanted assurance every day and relied her happiness in the relationship. The relationship did not help her grow and regain her deteriorating self-confidence. She was becoming more and more depressed each day. What's worse is that she shut herself from the world when her family and friends were supposed to be more than enough to keep her happy. She based success on how many people liked her, numbers, and status. She craved for everyone's approval. She couldn't see anything beautiful the world has to offer.
When the relationship failed, she couldn't move on. She lost all meaning and wits.
She thought that she was unlovable, ugly and just really pathetic.
The young girl in the story is the same girl typing this post.
I'm writing this because I want to tell everyone that it's okay to go through these dark days. What I felt back then made me think that I was immature and I had no right to feel that way because my life were better than other people. This is why I couldn't move on. That's why I got depressed because I wasn't embracing what I felt in my heart. I was denying myself and loathing myself more for feeling that way. But very soon, I grew tired of this and I grew tired of faking it. At the end of the day, we are entitled to what we feel.
I'm also writing this because I want to tell that it's okay to be vulnerable and fragile. I'm writing this because I'm so afraid of opening up to people. I was just really so afraid of being me. For so long, I was building the perfect image and along the way, I forgot who I really am. I lost touch of the real me. Deep down, I knew I wasn't happy. I wrote this so that if anyone who reads this goes through the same thing, then you are not alone because I'm still in the process of having the courage to be open to people.
Maybe it's wrong for me to write this down because it's way too personal but I believe exposing your weakness is a true sign of being strong. This is my way also of coping up with how I feel. By opening up, I am embracing who I am.
So this is the real Patch. I am not responsible at all. I am very moody. I might have cursed you in my head at some point. I get jealous easily. I am clumsy. I am sometimes pretentious.
I don't have a proportional body. I have wider hips and wider proportions at my lower than my upper body. My hair is quite dry and goes in different directions. I have a lot of acne and pimples that I try to hide. I am too emotional and sentimental. I get my priorities mixed up all the time. I'm not responsible with time.
When I wear baggy clothes and when I don't fix how I look, I'm practically invisible. I won't be the girl standing out in the crowd and how I wish, I could join a beauty pageant.
All of this makes me human. I am vulnerable and that's okay.
All of this imperfections make me beautiful.
It took time to stand again but the one thing that I believe helped me is no other than Jesus.
So if you're having second thoughts if you're even worthy of being loved, just look at the deep blue sky. Look at the tall green leafy trees. Look at the perfectly polished paved road. Feel the wind or the sun rays on your skin. Listen to the laugh of young and old people. Then finally, look at yourself. Change how you see the world and eventually, you'll be able to change how you see yourself.
Ain't it great? God didn't create anything ugly in this world. Everyone and everything is beautiful. We just have to look beyond the imperfections.
I know feelings like these only last for a certain number of days. But you have to constantly remind yourself and never stop trying to be who you want to be and who you really are.
When I took the first baby step of independence, I was terrified. But that step was necessary and it was not impossible after all. Take that first baby step of loving yourself.
I promise you, once you do, you won't/can't stop. You'll discover a world of infinite possibilities. Each passing day, you will be more strengthened and empowered. You'll be surprised when you look at the mirror, you won't see that weak and aloof girl that you always see.
What you'll see is a woman who believes in herself, firm in her decisions and lastly,
a woman who has a big heart and is capable of loving again and loving more.
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