I confess

I confess.. I confess that I'm not this person everyone thinks that I am.
I confess that I curse in my head and hate everybody for what I'm feeling.
I confess that I'm selfish and arrogant.

It's within me, in the deepest core of me. It's something I'm suppressing for so long, I can't contain anymore. I really am a bad person. And I'm the meanest human being you'll meet.

I confess.. I confess that what I just said are all lies.

The truth is, that was me before. A dark dark dark, unfamiliar me of the past.
Funny how I don't recognize and remember the old me before. 
But now I confess that it's not how I think anymore.

I confess that I did not love myself back then but I'm now accepting every flaw and everything that is me.
I confess that I failed a dozen of times, got beaten pretty bad, scarred and bruised, but I didn't let it get the best of me. 

I confess that I'm not all goody-two-shoes. I have a wild side. But I know my limits and I know my priorities. 

I confess that I've hurt a lot of people in the past and i'm still sorry for all the things I've said and done.

I confess that I'm unfair to many of my friends. I don't reply to their texts all the time. Lol.

I confess that without God I'm nothing. 
I confess that I do not want to attend any religious stuff of other religion. 
I confess that I'm against the idea of attending two worships.


Lastly I confess that I'm still coping and trying to mend my broken heart. Pero wait, ang drama. Lol.
I confess that I've hurt he-who-should-not-be-named a dozen times. And if you're reading this, this is my only chance to say this probably, so yea,

I hope you're doing well. I hope you won't get sad anymore about the things that don't unfold in your life. I hope you still remember me and you become strong whenever you do. Because I do too. I hope you won't forget all the things I've told you, to see the goodness in your life despite the bad things that happened in the past. I hope you smile for me once again, and I assure you, I'm always smiling for you. 

I confess that I miss you a lot, but I'm ready to take the final step.
Not in forgetting about you but accepting whatever that has happened.

I confess that all these confessions took me a lot of bravery to just type it and admit it.

On a lighter note,
I confess that I still believe that the best is yet to come.

PS. Inatake ako ng grammar nazi kong cousin. Again, I'm so sorry for any grammatical errors! Lol. Peace!


XXXXX

Coming from the heart..

It's been a long while since I last updated my blog. To my fans, if there are any, and I know there isn't, still, I'm sorry. Haha. I just couldn't bring myself to type all these words inside my head. It may be because I'm too lazy or I'm too afraid to write it down because I know the truth will come out. The truth about how I feel about every single thing in my life.

Most of you would say, what do I care? but then again, this is my blog so I can write whatever melodramatic, insensitive message I want to share with the world. But I wouldn't do that. I guess. Lol. I don't know. I'm never good with words and i'm never good with writing. Ironically, I'm writing this blog right now.

To my dear Povedans, I don't know what you see in me. I'm not the very least you think about me. I'm lazy and I'm stubborn. I'm a control freak and I'm masungit and mean raw. Whenever I go to school, I have mixed feelings on whether I'm betraying you guys or not. But before you speculate something, I would just like to say thank you. (This is becoming more of a speech Lol) I never thought I'd meet a bunch of people believing in me. Every time I sleep and every time I wake up, I thank God for a bunch of people like you! I promise this. I'm happy I met you pips. And, i'm not only referring to one person! which some of you may think I do. Lol.

With regards to that person. I know you've heard a lot of rumors and gossips and maybe you even saw us together. I would just like to point out that if there's something between us, it will only stay that way. What I mean is, what you are seeing right now, it's as far as it's going to get.

After writing this, I realized I blame other people for what I feel. I blame other people for making me think like this and that. But now I realized, it was me all along. I cannot control other people. What they say, what they do to me, it's just their natural way of reacting to things. And as for me, I should be able to understand this. All that I'm feeling, all that I've been thinking, is how I react on certain things and I should not blame any one kung ganon nararamdaman ko. I don't know if you get my point. Blurred kasi ako.

I always say, "I've been through worse." which I really think is true. The emotional and physical roller coaster during High school really took a toll on me. But then again, as a college student, I can't seem to compare these problems to my problems in the past. Even though "I've been through worse", certain problems still weigh me down. I do still feel like my world's gonna end. It's just me. I panic, I worry a lot, I cry, I get melodramatic, but that's just me. It's just my way of coping.

I think I didn't made sense with this post. Someday, I would like to try writing about current issues or something that you (my non existing fans) would have something to learn about. Pero I really hope you're learning something about life. I'm trying to be positive here. Lol.

One last thing I would like to share,



"There are people who enter your life to make you happy for just a little while, but they are not meant to stay and they are not meant to make you happy forever."


This is my biggest realization so far. People do just come and go. People will leave you behind. You should not be bitter about this or be sad. Instead, you should be thankful, for that "little while" they made you happy. In this coming second year, I know things will be really different. I might transfer or I might be some place else. But you see, it's part of life. Change is nature. We must deal with this. We must not be afraid.


We must have no limits.


Let's pretend this is a fairy tale, and end this with a song! This song btw is totally unrelated but I like hearing this song anyway and I hope it will also make you happy, just like me whenever I load this on youtube. :)

Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends

Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass, and I drown in you again.

XXXXX

Running for your life: The Megamall Incident

I don’t know how to start and narrate all that has happened yesterday. Until this morning, I was recalling and recalling every detail of the incident that happened. It was not because I couldn’t get over it. Although I was still scared, and to tell you the truth still agitated, I just really wanted to share our experience so that at least everyone I know could be always alert when going outside.

It started after I got home from practice from Poveda, which is adjacent to Galleria. My mom texted me that they (my sister was with her) would go to Megamall, and that I should quickly follow. I bid goodbye to my friends and went to Megamall where I was alone for at least an hour. I was roaming around in my favorite place in the mall, the Atrium. When I got bored, I decided to call my mother and ask where she was. Turns out, they had a church meeting so I was going to wait a little while longer. But then, she remembered that my aunt w/ her daughter and my grandma was downstairs eating at HK Choi. To cut it short, after eating, we roam around the mall. We went to see some herbal products, the cosplay convention at Megatrade and lastly, went to Ace Hardware because they’re supposedly to buy something there. When they found out that the item they were looking for in Ace was out of stock, they asked me if I could wait for my mom alone since they had to go home already. I was fine with that because I was alone an hour earlier. As I waited again for my mom, little did I know that maybe I've already met the men in the robbing incident. It was because maybe at that same time, they were at Ace Hardware, probably buying the pipe wrench they've used in the robbery. Or maybe, I've already met them in the cosplay convention. This is what scared me the most. It was practically a normal day for me and I never thought things could get worse.

When we left bibingkinitan which was in front of Ace, my mom, sister and I do our usual thing and go window shopping. We were waiting for 7:40 pm for the movie, Hansel and Gretel. We went inside a few shops but found one shop that had a big sale. I went to the cubicle of Hip Culture and tried out the clothes that I wanted to buy for I was going to a debut. My mom did the same. As I was trying to fit the dresses, we were laughing and the staff of the store were laughing too because they were watching a video of Sarah’s Concert and it was also heard inside the cubicle. There was even screaming of Sarah’s fans because Sarah was getting teased to Gerald Anderson. Then suddenly, happy screaming turned into scary, bloody screaming. My mom quickly opened my cubicle and a mixture of horror and panic was evident in her face. All those panic and screaming didn’t register to me as danger; instead, I thought may artista sa labas, Haha! My mom was telling me now to fix my things; I was even half naked when she told me that. My cellphone and my ID was scattered on the floor so I had to stash all these things in my bag and go outside.

That was when lights went off, the voice of the comedian na nangeechos kay Sarah bigla na lang nawala, and we were frozen from where we stood. I could hear all the stores closing, and people running in one direction, to the left. This is where I was thinking that if they were running to the left then someone was chasing them from the right. Panic settled in and I was nagging my mom to call my father because I was so scared. The staff could do anything but lock the shop and hide since we would be dead if a killer was out loose. I was thinking what should I do, I decided to tweet it so that we could get help but Megamall’s WiFi failed me. A variety of people were running, coming from different places. Some from the other stores, a lot from the Cinemas and even employees; adults, kids, men, women, and maybe even babies! I was kind-of preparing myself for the worst in case we’ve come close contact with the unknown “killer”. The supervisor called someone from the department store and we found out that there was a shooting incident. I found out that while I was inside the cubicle, even before the screaming, there were guards who were already running outside. The staff even told the other shoppers that it was only a snatching incident and it was usual in Megamall (which I think was not since I never experienced anything like that. Lol). We couldn’t do anything but wait at the back of hip culture, when everything went still. Naubos yung mga tao tas nanahimik lahat. Even when I answered calls from my relatives and friends, I couldn't make my voice louder and so did the other shopper too. It was like we’re playing hide and seek. 

And the man with a gun was it.

My heart was racing so fast my sister and I prayed the rosary. My mom who was brave went outside w/ some staff. They went inside again when they saw that it still not safe. When the tension was over and we could see some shoppers walking like nothing’s happening, we thought it was safer now to go outside since my mom also wanted go to the comfort room. We went straight ahead and passed by Max's and Bench. I was even supposedly going to take a picture of the staff of Bench posing in front of the still models. The three of us could already breathe but we know we had to go outside fast because it was still not safe. The people in Max’s were either talking to someone or calling someone on their cellphone. No one was eating. Well, no one could probably eat! We went near Sanrio and I told my mom some stores really closed na. Tumatawa na talaga kami nila Mom. When we went inside the women’s comfort room, isa isa ko pang binukas ung cubicles and I was joking around and telling “ngayon lang nawalan ng tao sa cr ng babae sa mega” after washing up, we were outside now and I was pointing at the stores which was closed, my last remark was “matetest tlga security ng mega ngayon, ha ha ha” then.. Two gunshots echoed through our floor.

I couldn’t run immediately, I was facing the escalator and I saw a lot of people run and scream again. Actually everyone was screaming even the guards, this was when I cried.

I cried and practically ran for my life. The gunshots were so loud you’ll know andyan na siya. Alam mong para makarinig ka ng ganong kalakas na gunshots, ibig sabihin, they were nearby. My mom held my sister and my arm and we ran and screamed and ran and screamed and went back to the comfort room.

Paulit ulit naming kinalabog yung cr ng babae. Nagsisisigaw kami ng “Bukas niyo yung pinto!” I even remembered I was screaming “Ate please buksan niyo ung pinto maawa kayo sa amin” We know anytime we could get killed because there was a blind corner on the right of the cr’s and we wouldn’t know if the killer was already there. Yung guard nga kinareer ung cr ng men at doon nagsisigaw. I thought everything was hopeless. Akala ko talaga papatayin na kami.

The men’s comfort room suddenly flew open. I don’t know how, or why they did open it I was just glad they did! Then the men were so stunned, and they were asking what was happening which for me at that time didn’t make sense. Muntik na kaming mamatay tapos ang tatanungin niyo anong nangyayari, was all I could think of. Then I cried in the stinky corner with my mom and sister. I called my bestfriend Abby then mumbled things I couldn’t remember. My voice was shaking and I was going to cry again. There were still lots of screaming outside and the man with the gun was I’ve heard, from the radio of the guards, was downstairs. All I thought was I don’t ever want to experience anything like that ever again. I was holding my rosary ng buong magdamag since nung nasa hip culture kami. When the guard peeped outside and told us to run for the nearest exit, all of us did. We went to the parking lot, which was also scary because it was dark, and ran for the fire exit and ran and ran and ran until we reached Galleria. This is where my nameet na namin si Dad.

Last night, my mom was thinking, what if ganito what if ganyan. When we even looked back, we had suspicion that the men we saw inside the comfort room were maybe the robbers since they were changing their clothes(I mean, who does that at a time of a crisis??). Naiiyak pa rin ako kagabi. Our whole clan was practically at mega. My aunt and her family. Yung isa ko pang tita. Pero, as I’ve heard from my mom, our experience was far worse than theirs was. And that wasn’t good news.

The week before all these things happened, nananaginip pa ako na hinahabol raw ako ng killer at Red Apple (my mom’s preschool) to think that a similar situation was going to happen the following week. Also, last week, our Filipino teacher told us to write one experience which we think that no one in our room had experienced it yet. Sinabi ko pa na wala naman akong ganon experience, then this day came, January 26, 2013. The biggest scare of my life.

I don’t know if you’ve felt the gravity of the situation we were in, all I just wanted to say is no place is safe. Let’s always be alert and let’s not go to malls alone. Especially to those of you na ka-age ko. If I was alone and that happened, I seriously wouldn’t know what to do. Dati, sumisigaw lang ako pag nagkakatakutan ng multo, sumisigaw lang ako pag natatawa, 

kahapon, sumigaw ako kase akala ko mamamatay na ako.

Be safe and always pray. God be with us always.

XXXXX

Pangarap lang kita.

So yeah, I'm actually writing this blog with that song on the background. I really really want to write a blog about this song because I could really relate. Let me show you the lyrics: 

 -----
Sa TV lang naman kasi may nangyayari 
 At kahit mahal kita.. wala akong magagawa..
Tanggap ko 'to aking sinta..Pangrap lang kita...
Ang hirap maging babaeKung torpe iyong lalakiKahit may gusto ka...di mo masabiHinde ako iyong tipong nagbibigay motiboConservative ako kaya di maaariAt kahit mahal kita...Wala ako magagawaTanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangrap lang kita

At kahit mahal kita,Wala ako magagawaTanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangrap lang kita
----
For those of you who really know me well, alam niyong torpe akong babae. Lol. It kind of sounded wrong but it's true. I'm what they call very shy with boys I like. Well, most of the time. Lol. But it's really true that as a girl, you are limited with what you can do and you can only admire from afar which is for me, a big struggle. I really like this certain guy. Probably, I never liked another person this much since my last relationship. But you see, I'm afraid that nothing will happen. I can't do the moves, I can't do anything, I can only smile for him and like him from afar. I'm not really assertive and this really frustrates me. 
Everybody I know really has a boyfriend now. I don't know if I should be pressured especially V-day is coming, So whoever you are na nagbabasa nito, my life doesn't revolve around my love life of course but I really am a hopeless romantic. I just believe that Prince Charming is really there. 
And he will readily sweep me off of my feet. If you know what I mean.But i guess, everything I know about love stories is a far distant dream.Since things really ended badly with my other relationships (which I won't tell so I'll leave you hanging :D)
Funny thing is, I got depressed just now because of stupid silly crush. I've talked to my bestfriend, Mae Samson from Arrheneo. Lol. And guess what, all she did was ask me what are my blessings for the past few days and HUWALA(sorry don't know how to spell this haha), I'm practically cured from my depression. A bestfriend like no other, that's why I love this girl. No effort at all and she can still put a big curve across my face.
I guess, this what comes of my like life with a guy let's call, Mr. T.This is how it ends, because just like the song,"Tanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangarap lang kita."
I would probably forget him, or move on, or maybe still like him.But it's not bad to like someone? right? :)
XXXXX

Yes, this is Patch.

I was kind-of looking forward into writing my first entry for my first-ever blog. Alas, i'm already typing this overdue story ng mga araw kamakailan. Okay, sorry. I haven't decided if should use English or not. 

Lol. Anyway, I came home today very very tired. Lately, my body has been a traitor and it isn't as strong as it was before. I think i've become 10 times older when I turned 17. I know! WTH. 

I see my blog is going nowhere and it lacks unity, coherence, & order. *ehem, MR. D*
But since I don't actually give a damn, and I just would like to write my thoughts so as they don't bother me every night, I decided to actually create this blog for that purpose only.

I just have a feeling this would also help to forget something about my past. Maybe or maybe not he would come across and read this, I don't know. But if he does, I will not regret anything I would post here.

And oh, btw, I'm sorry, my blog is really under construction. I actually hate what it looks now, but I'm too dayem lazy to remember the codes. 

I even told my friend to contact my ex-boyfriend. Since he knows a lot of this stuff. I've been thinking about him lately also. I get lots of dreams about him. Some sad, some happy. Although I guess I can classify that every dream 'bout him is sad since it's only a dream and when I wake up, I'm back in reality.

I somehow want and don't want him in my life. I want him because I miss him so terribly much. So much that I still cry over sad silly love songs. I don't want him in my life because I don't want to hurt again(well, who does?)

Still, I try to control myself from ever texting him again. I already regretted it last Christmas and New Year because he didn't even bother to reply plus on my birthday when he didn't even bother to greet me. 

I get the feeling it's my fault? since I blocked then unblocked him on facebook but whatever it is, I guess, it's better our relationship stay this way--civil.

I think this is too long for an entry anymore. You might get bored now with my nonsense blabbering about my ex. Haha. If you've come this far then I guess you're a friend? XD

XXXXX