I have to write.

The end of summer is coming near. I'm so worried lately for the next few days ahead yet I'm so excited with all my plans. I feel like I'm finally doing something with my life and I'm actually having a direction. A path with God by my side holding my hand, showing me the way.

I'm expecting my blog to be more active than ever. I have to write. I just have to. Finally, I have the confidence to write what I feel and not give a d*mn about anything. I have to write just because. I never felt so free. I never thought I would find love in writing and it just feels so free in doing what you love all along. I found the passion, will, and motivation.

Random words but interconnected feels.

I have to write.

XXXXXX

The letter speaks for itself.

Dear You,

Congratulations on earning a spot in my blog! It hurts my pride to write this letter succeeding a wonderful letter addressed to my supposed future beloved in my past blog post but since I could not contain the outbursts of my emotions, consider yourself privileged.

I'll be honest, I'll be harsh in the next few lines and a lot of people that'd come across this post might view me differently after reading this. Sorry but this is my form of justice. Writing addressed to you and practically all the people who offended me or hurt me is my way of returning the favor.

But since I have enough pride in me, I am going to make sure I'll write this letter as objectively as possible. As much as I want to write all the bad words, mockery and ignorant terms used today in 4 paragraphs or more, what fun would that be?

Instead, I'll choose to hurt you with this one simple truth and better read it carefully,
"Remember that what people say to you is a reflection of who they are."

With that said, can you tell me who you are?

A friend once told me, "Choose your battles."
I'm not the type to express my anger through social media or publicly for that matter. My friends are aware of this. Just saying in case you use that against me.

I have been through fights, verbally & physically and I can humbly tell you, I am not the one to store hate in me.

If you can only open my drafts, there are a lot of posts left unpublished. It is because I'd like to let my blog clean from any negativity. But here we are, here I am writing this letter and publishing it. Why you ask?

You can insult me, with everything I am. With how I look, how I talk, my status or even the way I live.
I won't simply care.

BUT. to question me with my faith is beyond acceptable.
People like you makes me question the goodness in everybody.

What's between my God and I is something you can never fathom.
My relationship with my God is something you can never question.

You, questioning my faith, makes me question yours.
But I won't do that. I won't stoop down to your level.

There is only one reason why I serve and that is because I LOVE GOD.

What is then your intention for yours?

I have kept mum for so long. There are so many distracting, pointless, and shallow issues within the church.
It's not something I can change and it's not something I can control. That's why I let it pass and I let it go.

It's disappointing to know there are people like you who carelessly make remarks and opinions about things you know nothing of. You're just simply disappointing. I shake my head whenever I think of people like you.

It amazes me even that you can make that kind of remarks to my very own mother.

As much as I want to forgive you, it would be too pretentious to say I already have.
But again, this is my own form of justice.
After the last character in this letter, I would let this go.

This is a sarcastic "thank you!", for making me aware and be cautious of people like you.

Sincerely,

Patch

The truth about being single.

The idea to write this article actually came up when I was about to go take a shower. My bestfriend and I were texting and honestly, I was pretty convinced we're die-hard feminists. Not until I decided to write this article. 

First of all, I would like to say that whatever I would write would constitute my right to say whatever I want to say. Although I am not going to write anything offensive, I would like to clear out that everything I will say is based on my experiences and is purely my opinion.

Also, I would like to say, to women specifically, that no one's going to convince you and make you believe that it's okay to be single other than yourselves. 

So yea, you've already got a clue on what I'm about to say in this article. 
No, it's not about how sad life is because no one texts you good morning/goodnight.
It's not about how ugly you feel when every girl friend you have has a boyfriend.

To my girls, this is how awesome life is when you're enjoying all your free time and money. But of course, it's not as shallow as that. Remember that.

Because when you're single, it doesn't matter whether you're 2 times heavier or lighter. (maybe it a little bit does) but because of that, you learn how to help yourself. You're not the damsel in distress anymore that needs an affirmation from a guy to know you're sexy and you're beautiful.
You go to the gym. You jog. You do yoga. And it's not for a guy, it's for yourself. 
For me, I think that's real freedom right there. 

It's not getting chained to what society is telling you that you should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.(I apparently support bisexuals/lesbians, I see no harm :] )

You motivate yourself to be better, look better, and feel better. That is love. That's real love.
Undeniably, the cliche, "..you must love yourself before others" is true.
But I don't think that's a problem. Because when you try to appreciate how you look in the mirror by doing your everyday routine like combing your hair, cutting your fingernails, or putting on powder, that's actually loving yourself. You're loving yourself without even putting so much of an effort in doing it. It's as simple as 1, 2, 3 or A, B, C. (Okay, that was lame, sorry.)

When you love somebody, it comes naturally. And it applies with every kind of love. Including self-love or whatever you may call it. Lol.

Give yourself that freedom because you deserve it.
Single or not, no one's going to give meaning to your life but you.

Do something crazy or do something ordinary, whatever it is, you are entitled to that decision. Being single is your decision so don't regret it. It's not easy but it's not something to be saddened about either.

Coming from someone who's been single for quite some time, and coming from someone who always gets the reaction, "omg, you're still single?!" I say, it's not so bad, you just have to see the goodness in everything.

Maybe it hurts, seeing how happy a couple is, but maybe you can change your perception or your hurt into something like, "Mr. Right and I, we're going to be like that someday." Eventually, you'll see yourself smiling goofily at lovey-dovey couples. (okay, maybe not all the time but you get the point)

I once told a friend of mine God's message to me when I prayed for a special someone,  I believe this is what he is telling me, "I will give you someone who will love you the way I want you to be loved." And you know, God's love is unconditional, perfect and infinite. So if he's going to give me someone who would give love that is just a bit close to that perfection, I am willing to wait.

The truth about being single is learning how to wait.
I'm not going to judge you if you're going to jump from one guy to another. It's not fair to generalize people. I've learned from a certain someone that you cannot generalize women/men with a lone situation.
You may have been used, lied to, cheated to. Or you've always been someone's alternative, second choice, or last. Remember, you are God's no. 1. And there's nothing more comforting than that. :)

Even it means waiting three years or more, I am in no rush. 
I am in the process of loving myself and being okay with my body's flaws, my insecurities, etc.
I am not perfect. No one is. 

So if you're reading this, and if you're single, repeat after me:

"It's PERFECTLY fine that I am single."

So women, go ahead and raise your unwaxed armpits, you're single, the hell they care! Lol.
On second thought, no, that's gross.
(I know I hate my humor)



XXXXXX

#100HappyDays

I am sorry but I cannot contain anymore my huge excitement for summer 2014!!
Recently, I signed up to this challenge called hashtag 100 happy days.
Everyday, you're going to take a picture of whatever made you happy.
Whether it's catching up with a friend, a cupcake or a person. You have to post the picture with #100HappyDays.

Lately, I don't know but it seems like the goal of the challenge is working. I really am superduper happy with my life. The happiest I've been actually. This is my best year so far. I am really excited of what is yet to come. I believe I am attracting all the positive and the good things in life. It's true I tell you. When I accepted the said challenge, at once, I received a special Starbucks planner (AND IT'S YELLOW) from a special friend. What are the odds right? 

On my second and third day, I started receiving my MOST SAGAD SAGAD WITH FEELINGS favorite dessert--cream puff. From my mom and a friend. On two consecutive days!! I mean again, what are the oddsssssss. 

And so, I believe if you want to be happy, you just go and do it and be happy. What I've learned from a decade and an eight is that you should be happy not for those around you, but for yourself. Do it for yourself. Reward yourself. And eventually, love and happiness will radiate from you. Effortlessly. 

A letter to my future beloved

Dear You,

How come I haven't met you yet? Or maybe I already did but I haven't realized it yet. I am so thrilled to see you. I am excited to share this overflowing love inside of me. But I figured we're not destined to be together yet. Maybe, I am not ready after all. Or maybe you're still in a relationship right now. Maybe you still have someone in your heart. Someone you cannot let go of. Even if we haven't met yet (or I haven't realized that I love you yet), I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want to know you're crying right now because of a broken heart. I want to make you smile. I want to embrace you and say, "Hey, I'm right here, it's okay, I love you and I will always will." I want to take away all your burdens and carry them myself. If you feel like giving up, I won't stop cheering you on. We would be the best partners-in-crime anyone would ever see. And I would expect you to do the same. I won't demand anything from you but love and understanding. Because you see, I am a complicated woman. I change my mind easily. I can be easily influenced by my surroundings. I am crazy. Sometimes I am loud and I would nag you and nag you and nag you but I can be also very very quiet and I won't dare make a sound. Please accept me like that with all your heart and soul. Love me and take me as I am. 

But whether I am naughty or nice, believe me when I say, I would always be loyal to you. I would take care of you when you're sick. I would run to nearest drugstore to buy you medicine. I would sing to you until you fall asleep. I would kiss you to melt all those bad feelings inside of you. I would do all this because I am truly, madly, deeply crazily, head-over-heels in love with you.

And yes, we would always be rejoicing in God's love. We would always go to church together. We would put Christ at the center of our relationship. It would be a three-way. And when we fight, we would always remember that Christ taught us not to harbor ill feelings towards each other. And that, our love is more important than our ego. I may ignore you, fight you, or hurt you but know that I just love you way too much that I hate us fighting. I would always pray to God for your success, your well-being and your family. I would pray to God just like every night that please if you're out there, wait for me. Wait for me until I am ready. Don't get married to someone else. Because I am yours to keep. I am fixing myself so that when it's the time for us to be together, I won't burden our relationship with my insecurities and personal issues. I pray to God that when we meet, you're ready too. We only have one shot at this. I won't mind taking that risk. I know when that time comes, there wouldn't be any doubts or confusion or hurt. I know when that time comes, I won't be afraid because you would be catching me when I fall.


Lots of love,

Patchi

The night everything ends.

I thank God I finally have the time to update this once again. Lol. Getting really lazy updating since I'm really (and I mean really) a frustrated writer. Whatever I am going to write though is a vague expression of my feelings. But I'll try to be as honest and as transparent but I really can't write my thoughts clearly so bear with me. (Also when I do my posts, I don't really care about grammar, punctuation, etc. curse you Grammar Naziss!! just kidding LOL)

Anyway, my title surely caught your attention. It is true. When I decide that I will stop, I "usually" do. Hopefully now though, I have made my firm resolve to just stop with all these non sense. Okay, that was harsh. Let's not call it non sense. I prefer "shannanigans" Lol. 

I am a girl (I mean woman!! I turned 18 a few days ago) who has been through a lot (and I mean A LOT) of painful experiences with relationships. After all that has happened, I never stopped having hope that one day, prince charming will sweep me off of my feet. I've learned that not all men are the same, and getting bitter about them won't help you AT ALL. There are good ones but there are A LOT of bad ones. There are people you like but don't like you and vice versa.

What I don't get is, I don't know why I stumble through the wrong people always. I don't know why my timing in their lives is always not the right time. Most of all, I hate it ( really really HATE) when I let my guard down and do it for the wrong people. I hate it when I question my self-esteem. "Am I really confident with who I am and what I look like?" But after years of trying to master loving myself, I think I have reached the point that I do. I do love myself and this is the night where questioning everything I believe in ends.

Because tonight, I won't bother if I am too small or too big for anyone. Tonight I am the Goddess, I am lovable and I am capable of being loved. Tonight, I will not change any thing about me for anyone. Tonight, I won't chase after people who would even think twice of chasing after me. Tonight God loves me and in God's eyes I am perfect. And this will go on every night. Every night I will promise myself that I would think of this and I won't abase myself. I would not dare to think that I am not enough because I am enough. And anyone who thinks that I am not worth it or I am not enough can talk to my hand! I respect myself so much and I won't go back to the horrific days that I didn't.

I am so tired. We, women, are so tired being the slaves of a player's mind. Tired of waiting. Tired of contemplating. Most of all, tired of getting hurt. This is the night everything ends. I can move on. It may take a while but I'm done with the guessing game. 

"When a guy really loves a woman, she doesn't have to plead with him to commit. He'd commit to her if she lived on the moon." -How to find your soulmate without losing your soul

On a lighter note, I'd like to tell all of the people who's feeling the same way I do that God can really heal anything. One moment you're sad but when you pray, God will embrace you with his burning love. When all else fails, God's love won't.

So hey pretty girl, don't get tired of waiting for Prince Charming, he will come! Just make sure you're ready too. :)


XXXXXX

Master of none.

I have always been a frustrated singer, writer, actor, dancer, athlete, pianist etc. (if there's such a thing) I always thought if I pushed hard, I can do it. But sometimes really, I feel that I'm only comforting myself. It's hard to try when no one believes you can do it. (drama mode: on) 

I know I can do it. Because when I hear a song, I can sing to its tune. When I read a good book, I can hear my thoughts as if it was the book itself (even better) and when I face the piano, when my fingertips touch the keys, I know I'm destined to produce heavenly melody. But is that it? Is it all just a feeling? 

Jack of all trades, master of none. I could be good at sports too, but not a master of swimming, table tennis, softball, volleyball or badminton (Tried every sport even soccer and basketball). I know I'm good but I'm not great. I'm not asking to be good at everything.. I just want to be good at something. 

This remorse actually came from a remark made by my brother a while ago. It hurt me, I almost cried. Tears swelled up in my eyes as I tried to shrug off the comment. My mom bought my sister and I a set of paint brushes each. If you knew my sister, you would know why my brother said that comment. Hearing it from someone close actually hurts because maybe a part of you know, it might be the truth after all..

He remarked: "Bakit mo binilhan yan, hindi naman artist yan e." I know, typing it down makes it a shallow remark and it should really mean nothing. 

But coming from a girl, who tried so hard to be good at something, it hit the bull's eye.

As much as I want to be good at something, there's always going to be someone better than me.
As much as I want to see that I have things that I'm good at, I'm always never satisfied. 


No matter how hard working I become, I can never be as close to a superb talent.

But I'm not giving up just yet. Because if I give up now, I lose.
And I never ever want to lose.
Because winning is my middle name.

At the verge of tears

I thought I would really be happy (and productive) when this day ends but I guess, it was too early to tell.

I can't describe what I'm feeling. I never thought I would feel this "kind-of-sadness" again. It's like gravity is pulling me down and down and down until I fall into a pit of darkness.

I just really want to talk to someone right now. But I'm afraid it would be useless since I cannot tell him/her exactly what my problem is. I have to carry on for the next few days faking a smile.

I don't want to cry. I won't cry. 

I should be studying for a quiz, sleeping early for the mass at 8 am but I really can't focus. It's hard when you're carrying this kind of problems. They never go away. It would be embedded on your heart forever.
Piercing you every time you see them.. 

Reminding you that you can't or shouldn't be easily fooled.
Telling you that really nothing lasts forever.
Leaving you with no one to rely on but yourself.

Making you believe that love does not last.

Oh, love!

I have never been extremely good with words so please bear with me. 

Sometimes I feel as though life is unfair for my friends and I when it comes to love. I never tried writing a blog post about love because it may appear shallow and I may not be able to express what I really want to say. 
But I would like to say now, if I really do have someone for me(?) Where are you?

I get it guys okay? I'm young, I'm single, I have all the time in the world to be happy but it's just, a nagging thought that I'm still alone in this journey.

I know it won't matter when I turn 21, because everyone says, it's just a phase, which I really think it is but then ohmygosh love hurts so bad. 

Wala naman ginagawa ang love sa akin pero it hurts talaga e. Yun na nga e, wala pang ginagawa ang sakit na po. 

It's so unfair for us girls. So unfair to wait for those guys. Those guys we know will only play with what we feel. It's so unfair that we can't do anything about it except cry and try to justify/defend ourselves.

It's so unfair to see that their life has moved on without us. It was so easy, so easy for them to forget about us. To find another girl to play with and another heart to break. 

All we can do is wait. Wait and see if someone will try to take the initiative to really know us. To go beyond physical appearances. 

What hurts is I see my lovely friends, so lovely I wish any guy could see it. But today, guys don't go for lovely personalities. They go for whatever is pleasing to their eyes atm.

This is why I hate conceited people. Because they're all about how they look and how they're so attractive. 
I can't blame them, I know but then again, life's so much more than what we appear or how we look in another's eyes.

I don't know, maybe it's just wishful thinking. If your heart gets broken a lot of times, you'll understand life is tough for us down here. 

Makes you pessimistic but then I won't fall for that trap. I once did. I'm never going to repeat that again. I promised myself this is the new me. And my efforts from before to move on would be useless if I dwell on the bad stuff again.

So yea, to my enemies, who loves seeing me be trampled down. You won.

But only for today.

Time check: 3:55 am

I have no topic in mind as I write this post. Maybe you'll get to witness once again how random I am especially at 3 (almost 4) am in the morning.

I'm not really sleepy at all which is a very big surprise. It kind of makes me guilty since I should use the energy (I don't know where it's coming from) to study for my midterms in Lit.

But somehow (here it goes) I'm not really motivated to do anything. Or to study for that matter.
I've got this moods that no matter how much I try to motivate myself. It's just not working. Okay.

But I really really hate myself for this. Because it's an opportunity that's lost for the future.
I don't know if it's the lack of inspiration but I've never been that type either.

I guess it's really just one of those moods.

I'd like to share you a dream of mine a few nights before.

It was of a boy, a freakishly thin and tall boy.
In my dream I fell in love with him. We were textmates (very modern right?)
But he was sick.

And it was his last day on earth.
And yes, he chose to spend it with me.
That is why that dream is so memorable.

I woke up feeling elated. I was still really blushing until the afternoon.

I don't know why, but my dreams are always so vivid.
I get the feeling that I'm the next prophet or something. Lol.
But.. really, I wish to see this person.

It's sad, because my dream ended when I asked him, "Do you have to go?"
He was not my type at all. Although a slightest hint showed he loved anime which is yes, a good thing.

But then again, he was so tall for me and so thin.
His sickness is that his body refuses to accept anything that he eats.
It's sad right? And what's so sweet is that in my dream.

We didn't care about any of those. What mattered was the two of us, together, on his last day.

I guess I just miss the feeling of being in love.
Or maybe I'm in love with love.

I don't know if it's bad though? Because it's what I feel. And maybe I'm entitled to what I'm feeling.

I'm only human after all.
If I feel lazy, I'd be lazy. If  I feel sad, I'll feel sad. I don't have to force myself.
Because this is how I live my life. And this how I will learn.

But I know now what should I do, I should just go to sleep.
Then again, maybe not.

I spend too much time on unnecessary things. I'm afraid guilt is consuming me.
I can't cope with leisure time after all.

But I know this is bad. It's bad to be a worry-wart.
No matter what I do, I can't really make a resolve.

So help me God.

I really need to take things slow and reflect.
Too much has been going on at home, and at school.

Maybe all of this is just a facade and I mistook it for something deeper, some psychological problem or something.
But I'm not the type to get pulled down by this.

I must reincarnate.
(I love Phoenix's btw)

I guess I'm the only one awake at this hour.
Wake me up when August ends.

No, I'm just kidding.
I just hope I do great in my Lit exam.
Which I can tell you honestly that I think I have studied but only thought that I have studied but I did not study at all.

But I really did study. Haha.

Good night.

XXXXXX

Just books.

"I wanted love to conquer all. But love can't conquer anything. It can't do anything on its own. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf."
~Everyday by David Levithan

"Does she really want to know, or is she just being polite? I feel as if she could be talking to anybody. And while I once thought what I wanted from her was this normal, everyday tone, now that I have it, the normalcy disappoints."

I would recommend the first two books at the bottom. Worth reading! :-)
Will do a book review. Later before school starts. I'll keep you posted :D


XXXXXX

God and His miracles.

Every single day, every little detail of our everyday lives are miracles. For me, there are no small or little miracles. 

Miracles.
I have only realized its true meaning last May 8, 2013.

Terrified, anxious, pitiful. I could describe myself at that time with these 3 words.
I know I know it was a mistake but it was an honest mistake.
I was thinking the whole time that, "I didn't mean it. I was just distracted."

I wanted to turn back time. But before you go thinking that I killed someone's dog or anything.
It was just as simple as I lost my cellphone last May 8, 2013 while riding an FX going to Robinsons.
I wasn't afraid of the fact that it has all the contacts of my friends since elementary. Or it's a new phone and among the new versions of Alcatel.

I was afraid of the ridicule and judgement I was going to have when everyone hears that I lost my phone because I was burara and kalat. 
God knows I didn't mean for it to happen. Really.
God heard me that day, apparently.

God was always listening and this I proved because I got my phone back the next day.

How is it a miracle you say? First, how many FX are there going to robinsons for us to even begin searching? How many people could have ridden the said FX after we got off? How many people would have returned it when they found it?

I always thought there are only a few good people in this world.
It was my cat and my mom. (Just kidding.)
But then, I got my phone back. The next morning, the robinsons pips contacted me.
Sabi pa nila, "Ma'am positive. Kunin niyo na lang ng 2pm."

It was mind blowing. I. could. not. believe. it. at. all.

After all, I thought it was hopeless.
I thought I deserved it kasi I was not being careful.

Pero God heard my prayers.
While I was walking inside Megamall, after searching and searching for like hours. 
I was bracing myself. That I'd give up.

But then, my phone was still ringing and ringing and ringing. Even before I knew that someone returned my phone. It was ringing and ringing and ringing.
Honestly, this gave me hope.

When you have the slightest possibility or chance, quick, grab hold of it. Hold onto that slightest possibility, even if it seems impossible, it's possible with God.

Don't give up. 
I thank my mom so much for this. She was the one who pushed me. Who told me, there is still a chance.

It might be only a phone. In fact, since it's new, it has no sentimental value at all.
But it taught me one thing. That you have to be strong. Even when all hope's lost, be strong.

Miracles they say are too overrated. You can't actually say this, unless you really get to experience a life-changing miracle.
It was God's way of showing me and helping me understand a lot of things.

It was God's way to prepare me for the problems I have to handle this school year.
I know it! Because when I found out that the driver behind the wheel was actually a pastor.

I had no doubts. God's moving in my life.  

Yes, you heard me right.
A pastor was the driver of the fx. Every Wednesday, he works until 2 pm only and does talks at night in his church. I was shocked when I was told about this. 

How in the world would we "coincidentally" ride an FX with a pastor behind the wheel who would have a talk on a Wednesday night and has to go home at 2 pm, the same time we got off his FX? 

I am not lucky. I am really blessed by God.

When I got hold of my phone, I was thinking, Did I do some good deed in this world that some person did a good deed for me?

Later, after a few days, I got to talk to my dad, he was the one who claimed my phone because he was nearby.

Surprisingly, the pastor didn't even knew there was a phone in his car until later around noon.
Some passenger found it already, and yes, hindi niya binulsa. Binalik niya at sinabing may nakaiwan.

My faith in humanity was restored.
There are good people in this world.
You just have to see the goodness in everything.


Coincidence? No. It's a miracle.

Let go, Let God!


PS. God bless yung mga barker both sa Megamall and Robinsons. Sobrang sobrang helpful nila. :) :) They weren't cranky at all despite being under the sun all day on top of yelling "pasig pasig" God bless the passenger, and God bless the pastor. I wanted to put a photo of them here in my blog. but my dad wasn't able to took one because they were busy, but if you get to ride an FX with different billiard balls near their windshield, it's him. A new crosswind. This is as much as I can share. 

XXXXXX

I confess

I confess.. I confess that I'm not this person everyone thinks that I am.
I confess that I curse in my head and hate everybody for what I'm feeling.
I confess that I'm selfish and arrogant.

It's within me, in the deepest core of me. It's something I'm suppressing for so long, I can't contain anymore. I really am a bad person. And I'm the meanest human being you'll meet.

I confess.. I confess that what I just said are all lies.

The truth is, that was me before. A dark dark dark, unfamiliar me of the past.
Funny how I don't recognize and remember the old me before. 
But now I confess that it's not how I think anymore.

I confess that I did not love myself back then but I'm now accepting every flaw and everything that is me.
I confess that I failed a dozen of times, got beaten pretty bad, scarred and bruised, but I didn't let it get the best of me. 

I confess that I'm not all goody-two-shoes. I have a wild side. But I know my limits and I know my priorities. 

I confess that I've hurt a lot of people in the past and i'm still sorry for all the things I've said and done.

I confess that I'm unfair to many of my friends. I don't reply to their texts all the time. Lol.

I confess that without God I'm nothing. 
I confess that I do not want to attend any religious stuff of other religion. 
I confess that I'm against the idea of attending two worships.


Lastly I confess that I'm still coping and trying to mend my broken heart. Pero wait, ang drama. Lol.
I confess that I've hurt he-who-should-not-be-named a dozen times. And if you're reading this, this is my only chance to say this probably, so yea,

I hope you're doing well. I hope you won't get sad anymore about the things that don't unfold in your life. I hope you still remember me and you become strong whenever you do. Because I do too. I hope you won't forget all the things I've told you, to see the goodness in your life despite the bad things that happened in the past. I hope you smile for me once again, and I assure you, I'm always smiling for you. 

I confess that I miss you a lot, but I'm ready to take the final step.
Not in forgetting about you but accepting whatever that has happened.

I confess that all these confessions took me a lot of bravery to just type it and admit it.

On a lighter note,
I confess that I still believe that the best is yet to come.

PS. Inatake ako ng grammar nazi kong cousin. Again, I'm so sorry for any grammatical errors! Lol. Peace!


XXXXX

Coming from the heart..

It's been a long while since I last updated my blog. To my fans, if there are any, and I know there isn't, still, I'm sorry. Haha. I just couldn't bring myself to type all these words inside my head. It may be because I'm too lazy or I'm too afraid to write it down because I know the truth will come out. The truth about how I feel about every single thing in my life.

Most of you would say, what do I care? but then again, this is my blog so I can write whatever melodramatic, insensitive message I want to share with the world. But I wouldn't do that. I guess. Lol. I don't know. I'm never good with words and i'm never good with writing. Ironically, I'm writing this blog right now.

To my dear Povedans, I don't know what you see in me. I'm not the very least you think about me. I'm lazy and I'm stubborn. I'm a control freak and I'm masungit and mean raw. Whenever I go to school, I have mixed feelings on whether I'm betraying you guys or not. But before you speculate something, I would just like to say thank you. (This is becoming more of a speech Lol) I never thought I'd meet a bunch of people believing in me. Every time I sleep and every time I wake up, I thank God for a bunch of people like you! I promise this. I'm happy I met you pips. And, i'm not only referring to one person! which some of you may think I do. Lol.

With regards to that person. I know you've heard a lot of rumors and gossips and maybe you even saw us together. I would just like to point out that if there's something between us, it will only stay that way. What I mean is, what you are seeing right now, it's as far as it's going to get.

After writing this, I realized I blame other people for what I feel. I blame other people for making me think like this and that. But now I realized, it was me all along. I cannot control other people. What they say, what they do to me, it's just their natural way of reacting to things. And as for me, I should be able to understand this. All that I'm feeling, all that I've been thinking, is how I react on certain things and I should not blame any one kung ganon nararamdaman ko. I don't know if you get my point. Blurred kasi ako.

I always say, "I've been through worse." which I really think is true. The emotional and physical roller coaster during High school really took a toll on me. But then again, as a college student, I can't seem to compare these problems to my problems in the past. Even though "I've been through worse", certain problems still weigh me down. I do still feel like my world's gonna end. It's just me. I panic, I worry a lot, I cry, I get melodramatic, but that's just me. It's just my way of coping.

I think I didn't made sense with this post. Someday, I would like to try writing about current issues or something that you (my non existing fans) would have something to learn about. Pero I really hope you're learning something about life. I'm trying to be positive here. Lol.

One last thing I would like to share,



"There are people who enter your life to make you happy for just a little while, but they are not meant to stay and they are not meant to make you happy forever."


This is my biggest realization so far. People do just come and go. People will leave you behind. You should not be bitter about this or be sad. Instead, you should be thankful, for that "little while" they made you happy. In this coming second year, I know things will be really different. I might transfer or I might be some place else. But you see, it's part of life. Change is nature. We must deal with this. We must not be afraid.


We must have no limits.


Let's pretend this is a fairy tale, and end this with a song! This song btw is totally unrelated but I like hearing this song anyway and I hope it will also make you happy, just like me whenever I load this on youtube. :)

Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends

Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass, and I drown in you again.

XXXXX

Running for your life: The Megamall Incident

I don’t know how to start and narrate all that has happened yesterday. Until this morning, I was recalling and recalling every detail of the incident that happened. It was not because I couldn’t get over it. Although I was still scared, and to tell you the truth still agitated, I just really wanted to share our experience so that at least everyone I know could be always alert when going outside.

It started after I got home from practice from Poveda, which is adjacent to Galleria. My mom texted me that they (my sister was with her) would go to Megamall, and that I should quickly follow. I bid goodbye to my friends and went to Megamall where I was alone for at least an hour. I was roaming around in my favorite place in the mall, the Atrium. When I got bored, I decided to call my mother and ask where she was. Turns out, they had a church meeting so I was going to wait a little while longer. But then, she remembered that my aunt w/ her daughter and my grandma was downstairs eating at HK Choi. To cut it short, after eating, we roam around the mall. We went to see some herbal products, the cosplay convention at Megatrade and lastly, went to Ace Hardware because they’re supposedly to buy something there. When they found out that the item they were looking for in Ace was out of stock, they asked me if I could wait for my mom alone since they had to go home already. I was fine with that because I was alone an hour earlier. As I waited again for my mom, little did I know that maybe I've already met the men in the robbing incident. It was because maybe at that same time, they were at Ace Hardware, probably buying the pipe wrench they've used in the robbery. Or maybe, I've already met them in the cosplay convention. This is what scared me the most. It was practically a normal day for me and I never thought things could get worse.

When we left bibingkinitan which was in front of Ace, my mom, sister and I do our usual thing and go window shopping. We were waiting for 7:40 pm for the movie, Hansel and Gretel. We went inside a few shops but found one shop that had a big sale. I went to the cubicle of Hip Culture and tried out the clothes that I wanted to buy for I was going to a debut. My mom did the same. As I was trying to fit the dresses, we were laughing and the staff of the store were laughing too because they were watching a video of Sarah’s Concert and it was also heard inside the cubicle. There was even screaming of Sarah’s fans because Sarah was getting teased to Gerald Anderson. Then suddenly, happy screaming turned into scary, bloody screaming. My mom quickly opened my cubicle and a mixture of horror and panic was evident in her face. All those panic and screaming didn’t register to me as danger; instead, I thought may artista sa labas, Haha! My mom was telling me now to fix my things; I was even half naked when she told me that. My cellphone and my ID was scattered on the floor so I had to stash all these things in my bag and go outside.

That was when lights went off, the voice of the comedian na nangeechos kay Sarah bigla na lang nawala, and we were frozen from where we stood. I could hear all the stores closing, and people running in one direction, to the left. This is where I was thinking that if they were running to the left then someone was chasing them from the right. Panic settled in and I was nagging my mom to call my father because I was so scared. The staff could do anything but lock the shop and hide since we would be dead if a killer was out loose. I was thinking what should I do, I decided to tweet it so that we could get help but Megamall’s WiFi failed me. A variety of people were running, coming from different places. Some from the other stores, a lot from the Cinemas and even employees; adults, kids, men, women, and maybe even babies! I was kind-of preparing myself for the worst in case we’ve come close contact with the unknown “killer”. The supervisor called someone from the department store and we found out that there was a shooting incident. I found out that while I was inside the cubicle, even before the screaming, there were guards who were already running outside. The staff even told the other shoppers that it was only a snatching incident and it was usual in Megamall (which I think was not since I never experienced anything like that. Lol). We couldn’t do anything but wait at the back of hip culture, when everything went still. Naubos yung mga tao tas nanahimik lahat. Even when I answered calls from my relatives and friends, I couldn't make my voice louder and so did the other shopper too. It was like we’re playing hide and seek. 

And the man with a gun was it.

My heart was racing so fast my sister and I prayed the rosary. My mom who was brave went outside w/ some staff. They went inside again when they saw that it still not safe. When the tension was over and we could see some shoppers walking like nothing’s happening, we thought it was safer now to go outside since my mom also wanted go to the comfort room. We went straight ahead and passed by Max's and Bench. I was even supposedly going to take a picture of the staff of Bench posing in front of the still models. The three of us could already breathe but we know we had to go outside fast because it was still not safe. The people in Max’s were either talking to someone or calling someone on their cellphone. No one was eating. Well, no one could probably eat! We went near Sanrio and I told my mom some stores really closed na. Tumatawa na talaga kami nila Mom. When we went inside the women’s comfort room, isa isa ko pang binukas ung cubicles and I was joking around and telling “ngayon lang nawalan ng tao sa cr ng babae sa mega” after washing up, we were outside now and I was pointing at the stores which was closed, my last remark was “matetest tlga security ng mega ngayon, ha ha ha” then.. Two gunshots echoed through our floor.

I couldn’t run immediately, I was facing the escalator and I saw a lot of people run and scream again. Actually everyone was screaming even the guards, this was when I cried.

I cried and practically ran for my life. The gunshots were so loud you’ll know andyan na siya. Alam mong para makarinig ka ng ganong kalakas na gunshots, ibig sabihin, they were nearby. My mom held my sister and my arm and we ran and screamed and ran and screamed and went back to the comfort room.

Paulit ulit naming kinalabog yung cr ng babae. Nagsisisigaw kami ng “Bukas niyo yung pinto!” I even remembered I was screaming “Ate please buksan niyo ung pinto maawa kayo sa amin” We know anytime we could get killed because there was a blind corner on the right of the cr’s and we wouldn’t know if the killer was already there. Yung guard nga kinareer ung cr ng men at doon nagsisigaw. I thought everything was hopeless. Akala ko talaga papatayin na kami.

The men’s comfort room suddenly flew open. I don’t know how, or why they did open it I was just glad they did! Then the men were so stunned, and they were asking what was happening which for me at that time didn’t make sense. Muntik na kaming mamatay tapos ang tatanungin niyo anong nangyayari, was all I could think of. Then I cried in the stinky corner with my mom and sister. I called my bestfriend Abby then mumbled things I couldn’t remember. My voice was shaking and I was going to cry again. There were still lots of screaming outside and the man with the gun was I’ve heard, from the radio of the guards, was downstairs. All I thought was I don’t ever want to experience anything like that ever again. I was holding my rosary ng buong magdamag since nung nasa hip culture kami. When the guard peeped outside and told us to run for the nearest exit, all of us did. We went to the parking lot, which was also scary because it was dark, and ran for the fire exit and ran and ran and ran until we reached Galleria. This is where my nameet na namin si Dad.

Last night, my mom was thinking, what if ganito what if ganyan. When we even looked back, we had suspicion that the men we saw inside the comfort room were maybe the robbers since they were changing their clothes(I mean, who does that at a time of a crisis??). Naiiyak pa rin ako kagabi. Our whole clan was practically at mega. My aunt and her family. Yung isa ko pang tita. Pero, as I’ve heard from my mom, our experience was far worse than theirs was. And that wasn’t good news.

The week before all these things happened, nananaginip pa ako na hinahabol raw ako ng killer at Red Apple (my mom’s preschool) to think that a similar situation was going to happen the following week. Also, last week, our Filipino teacher told us to write one experience which we think that no one in our room had experienced it yet. Sinabi ko pa na wala naman akong ganon experience, then this day came, January 26, 2013. The biggest scare of my life.

I don’t know if you’ve felt the gravity of the situation we were in, all I just wanted to say is no place is safe. Let’s always be alert and let’s not go to malls alone. Especially to those of you na ka-age ko. If I was alone and that happened, I seriously wouldn’t know what to do. Dati, sumisigaw lang ako pag nagkakatakutan ng multo, sumisigaw lang ako pag natatawa, 

kahapon, sumigaw ako kase akala ko mamamatay na ako.

Be safe and always pray. God be with us always.

XXXXX

Pangarap lang kita.

So yeah, I'm actually writing this blog with that song on the background. I really really want to write a blog about this song because I could really relate. Let me show you the lyrics: 

 -----
Sa TV lang naman kasi may nangyayari 
 At kahit mahal kita.. wala akong magagawa..
Tanggap ko 'to aking sinta..Pangrap lang kita...
Ang hirap maging babaeKung torpe iyong lalakiKahit may gusto ka...di mo masabiHinde ako iyong tipong nagbibigay motiboConservative ako kaya di maaariAt kahit mahal kita...Wala ako magagawaTanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangrap lang kita

At kahit mahal kita,Wala ako magagawaTanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangrap lang kita
----
For those of you who really know me well, alam niyong torpe akong babae. Lol. It kind of sounded wrong but it's true. I'm what they call very shy with boys I like. Well, most of the time. Lol. But it's really true that as a girl, you are limited with what you can do and you can only admire from afar which is for me, a big struggle. I really like this certain guy. Probably, I never liked another person this much since my last relationship. But you see, I'm afraid that nothing will happen. I can't do the moves, I can't do anything, I can only smile for him and like him from afar. I'm not really assertive and this really frustrates me. 
Everybody I know really has a boyfriend now. I don't know if I should be pressured especially V-day is coming, So whoever you are na nagbabasa nito, my life doesn't revolve around my love life of course but I really am a hopeless romantic. I just believe that Prince Charming is really there. 
And he will readily sweep me off of my feet. If you know what I mean.But i guess, everything I know about love stories is a far distant dream.Since things really ended badly with my other relationships (which I won't tell so I'll leave you hanging :D)
Funny thing is, I got depressed just now because of stupid silly crush. I've talked to my bestfriend, Mae Samson from Arrheneo. Lol. And guess what, all she did was ask me what are my blessings for the past few days and HUWALA(sorry don't know how to spell this haha), I'm practically cured from my depression. A bestfriend like no other, that's why I love this girl. No effort at all and she can still put a big curve across my face.
I guess, this what comes of my like life with a guy let's call, Mr. T.This is how it ends, because just like the song,"Tanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangarap lang kita."
I would probably forget him, or move on, or maybe still like him.But it's not bad to like someone? right? :)
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