The Webpage is not available

So I am writing this now, instead of writing my paper for my 10 am class tomorrow. It’s funny how my mind is already set for tomorrow’s long list of activities when it’s still not even legitimately tomorrow. I guess the internet malfunctioning gave me a good kick start to write this post because I was itching to write for days now; I just really don’t know how & where to start.

It just dawned to me while I desperately try to refresh my twitter homepage how some things can’t be there when you need it and there are some things you can’t have no matter how bad you want it. It’s probably my biggest learning for 2014. 2014 is the best year so far and I can’t emphasize that more. It’s really the bestest #supersuperlative and that still is an understatement. But anyway, people often tell me I'm the hugot queen. Maybe I can be too dramatic for some, but I’m just a really sentimental kind of gal. I like taking every little thing as something special and that it amounts to a greater purpose. If that even made sense. Needless to say, I find meaning in everything I do. 

And sometimes I think, would our meeting on that night of December 2013 was actually just going to end like this?

How you goofily smiled at me during our last dance and that it would just really turn out to be a cold shoulder a year after?

How I quickly shifted from being an everything to a nothing? 

How easy was it for you, and for all the other guys for that matter, to just throw it all in the window?

Do some things happen for it to just end? because if that’s the case, I’d rather like it not happening.

Because pain comes knocking on the door and consuming me once again. Insecurity and jealousy also comes joining the party and TGIF!

I’m not really making sense. In fact, I’ve used a lot of fragments, dangling clauses and even words that don't even exist.

Just like you. Nothing making sense. And you don’t exist.

You were just one day there, and the next day gone. In a blink of an eye, I was insignificant.

And it hurts like hell, because you don’t know why you’re hurting. Why it happened. All these questions I don’t even know if it’s ever going to be answered.

I’m just confused and I’m comforting myself with a notion that maybe I did matter. At one point. In a timespace or what. But just like what the other people told me and left me: You weren't the one.

And as I try to become wanted. As I try so hard to become the real me in front of them, the more they run away. And it’s sick and it’s driving me crazy.

When I start wanting them, the webpage becomes unavailable.

Dear God

Dear God,

I cannot even begin with thanking you for practically everything that's happening with my life. I know I don't deserve it because I am not able to give as much. Sometimes I think if I'm ever worth of anything at all. All my tears and all my sacrifices ain't worth as much as Your sacrifices. 

Every time I kneel in front of you, I can see how it pains you to see us in pain. It's a thousand times of stabbing in front and at your back when we sin. 

As humans, we are fragile and vulnerable. We sin every day and do it negligently. I am sorry. We are misguided, and consumed with this materialistic world. We forget the real blessings, and that is not our new shoes, our new car, or more money. It's love we receive from friends and family. It's the little smiles and smirks from strangers and children. It's others appreciating your existence even if you're just standing there.

These are your real blessings. When the sun rises every morning and the moon appears at night. It's the warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you feel loved and when you give love. 

So thank you just because. Thank you for being an amazing God. And loving us no matter how imperfect we are. How imperfect we love each other. Thank you because you give us room for growth and improvement and appreciate ourselves.

Through you, we become perfect. We become someone else entirely. We bloom and we become who you want us to be.

Maybe we're still in the process of becoming mature; or becoming someone who's worthy kneeling in front of you.

But don't give up on us ever. Don't give up on me because I am lost. I'm a lost star. Not yet crashing. But not yet rising.

Don't let me be consumed by worldly matters. But let me be consumed on things that really do matter. 

I love you and I pray that whoever's going to come across this prayer would pray for the same thing.

That your love will bind us and this world forever, so that only good will remain in the hearts of everybody.

Amen.

Imperfections make you beautiful

Time check: 1:49 am

Let me tell you a story of a young girl, desperate for attention and love and was really insecure with her physical appearance. She compared herself with everyone until she drowns in self-pity. She had a lot of friends but was unable to trust any of them. One day, she fell in love with a guy and made him her world. She was desperate for the guy and she lost all her dignity and respect for herself in order to win the heart of the guy. She got what she wanted and the guy fell in love with her but she felt that she wasn't deserving of the guy's attention and love. She wanted assurance every day and relied her happiness in the relationship. The relationship did not help her grow and regain her deteriorating self-confidence. She was becoming more and more depressed each day. What's worse is that she shut herself from the world when her family and friends were supposed to be more than enough to keep her happy. She based success on how many people liked her, numbers, and status. She craved for everyone's approval. She couldn't see anything beautiful the world has to offer.

When the relationship failed, she couldn't move on. She lost all meaning and wits. 

She thought that she was unlovable, ugly and just really pathetic. 

The young girl in the story is the same girl typing this post. 

I'm writing this because I want to tell everyone that it's okay to go through these dark days. What I felt back then made me think that I was immature and I had no right to feel that way because my life were better than other people. This is why I couldn't move on. That's why I got depressed because I wasn't embracing what I felt in my heart. I was denying myself and loathing myself more for feeling that way. But very soon, I grew tired of this and I grew tired of faking it. At the end of the day, we are entitled to what we feel. 

I'm also writing this because I want to tell that it's okay to be vulnerable and fragile. I'm writing this because I'm so afraid of opening up to people. I was just really so afraid of being me. For so long, I was building the perfect image and along the way, I forgot who I really am. I lost touch of the real me. Deep down, I knew I wasn't happy. I wrote this so that if anyone who reads this goes through the same thing, then you are not alone because I'm still in the process of having the courage to be open to people.

Maybe it's wrong for me to write this down because it's way too personal but I believe exposing your weakness is a true sign of being strong. This is my way also of coping up with how I feel. By opening up, I am embracing who I am.

So this is the real Patch. I am not responsible at all. I am very moody. I might have cursed you in my head at some point. I get jealous easily. I am clumsy. I am sometimes pretentious.  

I don't have a proportional body. I have wider hips and wider proportions at my lower than my upper body. My hair is quite dry and goes in different directions. I have a lot of acne and pimples that I try to hide. I am too emotional and sentimental. I get my priorities mixed up all the time. I'm not responsible with time. 

When I wear baggy clothes and when I don't fix how I look, I'm practically invisible. I won't be the girl standing out in the crowd and how I wish, I could join a beauty pageant. 

All of this makes me human. I am vulnerable and that's okay.

All of this imperfections make me beautiful.

It took time to stand again but the one thing that I believe helped me is no other than Jesus. 

So if you're having second thoughts if you're even worthy of being loved, just look at the deep blue sky. Look at the tall green leafy trees. Look at the perfectly polished paved road. Feel the wind or the sun rays on your skin. Listen to the laugh of young and old people. Then finally, look at yourself. Change how you see the world and eventually, you'll be able to change how you see yourself. 

Ain't it great? God didn't create anything ugly in this world. Everyone and everything is beautiful. We just have to look beyond the imperfections.

I know feelings like these only last for a certain number of days. But you have to constantly remind yourself and never stop trying to be who you want to be and who you really are.

When I took the first baby step of independence, I was terrified. But that step was necessary and it was not impossible after all. Take that first baby step of loving yourself. 

I promise you, once you do, you won't/can't stop. You'll discover a world of infinite possibilities. Each passing day, you will be more strengthened and empowered. You'll be surprised when you look at the mirror, you won't see that weak and aloof girl that you always see.

What you'll see is a woman who believes in herself, firm in her decisions and lastly, 

a woman who has a big heart and is capable of loving again and loving more.

Time check: 2:45 am. 

Working, studying and being a hopeless romantic, all at the same time

It's really been a long time since I last posted here. Obviously the title says why I'm so busy lately.

There's just really something about this day. Both good and bad.

Today was awesome. I started it by celebrating mass. The Word of the Lord was practically telling me what I should do. I really felt that God is talking to me. Through the smiles of the church-goers, the choir and the other servers, my day's been complete already.

Going home and eventually going to school, I see my friends again. I miss them. I rarely hang out after class anymore. We were able to exchange few stories with each other, just updates with each other's lives. Then I'm off running to my next activity for the day.

At 1 pm, I left school to go to Guadalupe Catholic School to take part in their career fair. I don't know but I really have a passion in public speaking. I like getting everyone's attention, amazing them and leaving them speechless after I'm done. There's just really fulfillment in it.

Beating the time before I become late again, I arrived 14 min. before 4 at Starbucks. I was nervous because it was the day of my certification but I know I can very much handle it. I was able to review the days before and memorize my notes cover to cover.

I passed Blk 1 then was introduced to Blk 2. My day's really just been sooo awesome. I was able to socialize with a few of my coworkers. Get to know why they're there and how do they feel working there. Every day, in every little thing, I want to find meaning in what I do because that's just how I am.

I am sentimental and a hopeless romantic. I feel that God sends people in my life for a purpose.

But lately, things have been rough on my part.
I got betrayed, judged, ridiculed and really just been taken for granted lately.

Now, you can't take away from me this doubt, anxiety, and fear.
I feel my heart breaking right now. Never mind the reason.

But literally, I feel my heart being shattered. I guess, no matter what I do, some person will always be better than me. More smarter, more good-looking, funnier than me.

And that's okay because I don't plan on pleasing anyone anymore.

I've been there and I've done that.
It's all too tiring and you'll never please them anyway.

You'll never convince yourself that you're enough unless you believe in your truest, deepest core that you are.

So now that I am practicing to become more positive.
And I'm a work in progress to become a better version of myself,

I shall see the things the way I want to see them.

It's only a bad day, not a bad life.

The best things in life, are definitely free.
Great friendships with the best set of friends, whom I really miss so much

It's Abby's birthday btw, greet her today!

I have a great great great great family:

Nothing can really be more awesome than this. :-)

There are far more good things that happened today than bad ones. 
So... I guess, I'm sleeping it off and hoping for a better sunshine tomorrow.


Good night!! *wink

I hate how vulnerable I am with love

This is it. My conscious mind won't let me write my research paper peacefully until I've written down exactly how I feel at the moment. This bothersome thoughts are driving me crazy. I'm out of technical words for my paper because I just really can't think straight.

I'm going to put my feelings into words now. After this, I might as well get a grip of myself and start working my a** off.

I hate how vulnerable I am with love.
Everyone knows how long it takes before I get comfortable with any person. I put barriers and I put them good. But who am I kidding? The moment I see someone's goodness in them, I easily melt those barriers and open my heart to them.

I believe this is why people are taken for granted. Good people open themselves to a possibility of getting hurt and disappointed. They just never learn do they? I am really one of them.

I always thought I am bullet-proof (insert Titanium song here) but who am I kidding? I'm no superwoman. I am no titanium. I'm just a vulnerable person with a fragile heart.

I cry a lot, it's a fact. I get touched easily by acts of kindness. I am moved easily with feelings of sympathy and pity. I am just like any other human being in this world, vulnerable.

The thing is, I hate people who are quite the opposite.
I did not choose to be like this, I like to believe that I was born this way (insert born this way song here).
Maybe, people who are quite the opposite, did not choose to be like that either.
But I like to believe they did choose to be like that. Closed, restrained and insensitive.

I know I am a bit harsh but I guess, my past experiences molded me to become like this. Bitter and resentful. Circumstances lead me to this, writing this utterly senseless blog post.

It's not love itself that is discouraging, it's the people whom you choose to give love to that is and they eventually end up disappointing you.

Can it just be, "Hey I like you. I feel there's a thing going on here so I'd like us to try." No ifs, no buts.
Can't we all just stop pretending to be who we are really not, just for the sake of impressing other people.

Can't we just be true to our core. Say what we feel. Stick to our promises. And just love whoever we want to love.

Why does love have to be so complicated? (This is really so irritatingly cliche)

I hate how I'm digging my own grave. How I know it's really not working and I pretend that it would because I am so vulnerable with love.

Can you blame me if I get too annoyed, impatient and selfish?
I hate how we should stumble through a lot of wrong people before we find the right persons to love.
I hate how I'm so sentimental with love.

But someone who truly loves me, I believe, would understand where I am coming from.

I am really feeling so down and dreary. It feels like I'm so tired. I want to cry but I can't.
I'm okay I know that. I can go on, I've been through this.

But why does it feel like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders?

I don't know the source of all this. It can't be one thing.

I KNOW THAT I'M JUST REALLY DRAMATIC.
Sometimes I feel like there's just really no one there to listen.
No one there to give what I'm ready to give.
No one there to love as much as I would love.

I'm back to being the old me.

I wish this phase would pass soon. I know it'll eventually will.
But I hope I'll not forget this feeling.

This is to remind me that being vulnerable would push people to take you for granted. I'm done with that. I've spent 17 years of my life being so vulnerable and always choosing what's best for other people. Always saying yes instead of saying no.

I'm going to practice the new me.
The one who chooses not to care. Not to mind. Not to say anything at all.

Maybe for a while. Until then, let me.

XXXXXX

You are entitled to what you feel

There comes a time when you really like someone you'd do anything and everything for them.

Even to the point of controlling your anger and extending your patience to the little things that they do that hurt you. 
After a while, I realized this is wrong.

You should embrace how you feel because you are entitled to it.
If they cannot handle it, then it's not your problem. It's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes we underestimate a person's understanding. Maybe they'll understand, maybe they won't.
But if they do understand, then that's the time you should let down your pride.

Don't feel guilty getting frustrated or getting hurt.
Don't withhold how you feel because you want to please them.
Most of all, if they think you're too dramatic then you already have a clue. It's as simple as they cannot accept you at your worst. 

At this age, it's hard to decipher if what we're feeling is what we really do feel or we're just caught up in the moment. 
Teenagers are very melancholic and we give priority to love more than we should.

But again, it's not something we should feel guilty about.
It might be a phase or it might be who we really are.

As long as it doesn't hurt anyone why should we withhold giving love to a person we like?
In the same way, why should we keep all these pain if this is what we really feel?

There's someone who's going to understand you.
They're going to be patient with your #12amhits tweets.
Kiss your eyes or hold your hand or even just put there arm around you when you cry.
Just be there even when you insist you want to be alone.


We all want big things, but deep inside, I believe all we want is assurance.

Assurance that we don't look like fools being gaga over someone we like/love.
Assurance that the person cares for what we feel.
Assurance that someone really wants to listen to you genuinely.
Assurance that a person doesn't want to hurt you and even if they do hurt you, would still care for you after a fight.

Assurance that they won't judge you. That they'd accept you. Your sense of style, your humor, your priorities in life.

Someone who will assure you that you are entitled to what you feel. 

It's hard waiting around for someone who doesn't really care how you feel.
It's easier to wait for someone who will.

If you feel sad today, (even if it's because of the rain) then be sad.
If you feel happy, share your happiness with everyone and anyone.
If you're feeling afraid, then confront your fears.

It's okay not to be okay.
After all, the truth will set you free.

XXXXXX

“Where I would like to be career-wise 10 years from now”

Just wanted to share this, just a short essay for a subject (which I forgot) last year:

A decade is actually not too long. It can pass by in a blink of an eye. If you don’t use it wisely therefore, you would have regrets in the succeeding years after that. A friend once told me, you can only go forward or backwards in your life. For me, I am constantly choosing to keep moving forward.

            Ten years from now, I would be living alone. Not because I want to isolate myself but because I am self-sufficient. Meaning my job alone can suffice for all my needs. I need not to rely on anyone because I would be independent. I know I would have a prestigious title someday. I am almost certain that I would be a manager. I am claiming this as early as now. Also, I am certain that I would be an educator. Ten years from now, I would have inspired young children to follow their dream too, the same way I did.  But my mother would always tell me you cannot serve two masters at a time. I love both my careers but it might be hard to juggle them in the near future. I let God handle that. For me, there’s no harm in trying to follow what you really desire. Teaching is close to my heart and training people to maximize their full potential is what I do best. In the near future, whatever comes first, whether the situation and the circumstances demands that I should teach first among the less fortunate or I would be a manager first and achieve the highest attainable position, I would have no regrets. Maybe both can happen and it’s not up to me to decide but from the one above. Career-wise, I expect my life to have reached its peak. At twenty-eight years old, I must have reached at least a half of what I really want in life. There should be fulfilment in what I do and I must strive to continue to be better.

            Just like what Steve Job has said, “Your work is going to fill large part in your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.” Ten years from now might be a short time for other people, but ten years for me would lead me to my road of success.



XXXXXX

Pain demands to be felt.

Have you ever felt that you shouldn't talk to someone because you don't want to burden them with your own burdens? This is exactly what I feel right now. I'm keeping it all inside. Keeping it intact. Polishing it with lies and deceit that I am okay and I am truly happy. But deep in my very core, I know I am not okay. Okay is such a weird word. You say okay when you're not, you say okay when you really are. I guess I really have so many feels after watching TFIOS. Truth be told, it took me a lot of guts to watch it alone. It also made me very proud of myself because I was able to go shopping (for school supplies tho haha) and watch a movie alone. It made me feel independent. It made me feel the love I have for myself that even if I didn't have the luxury of time or money (LIKE I'M DEAD SERIOUS) I wanted to spoil myself with things I usually neglect for myself. Independence is something I should learn from now on. I'm gonna need it, very soon.

I've been in a roller coaster of emotions these past few days, believe me. What scares me is this numbness. No matter what I do, I can't cry. No matter what I do, I can't feel any thing anymore. I shrug everything off as if it's nothing. That's scaring the hell out of me. I don't want to be the dead, emotionless version of myself. But just like what I told my bestfriend, I think this is my way of coping. I'm at the stage of denial. I'm well aware of that. I'm well aware of what's happening but I'm choosing to just ignore it because I don't want to face the pain. And I'm not sure if anyone's willing to listen. Or if anyone's ready to see my horrid face when I cry a bucket full of tears.

But God has been so good to me this summer. And every day, every morning, I wake up with a heart full of gladness. Not because I forget what's happening but because I'm very positive for a good day. Sometimes, it's all you need. You cannot take all these pain alone nor you cannot handle it altogether. But each day at a time, you have a chance to cope and recuperate. Maybe not completely, or instantly, but slowly, progressively, you'd be able to smile again. I can't do this without my God, I bet you too.

Whatever you're struggling for, crying for, hurting for, here is me, broken beyond repair but still hoping. So this is a little favor, please be hopeful yourself. Cry if you must but don't give up. I'm with you. Whether you're sick, afraid, or helpless. I am no God, but sometimes, I know we all just need a listening friend. Just a pat on the shoulder.

Just a reminder that, you'll be alright. So hey you, it's only a bad day, not a bad life. Let's be hopeful together.

Paradise.

Every morning and every night isn't the same anymore ever since I met you. As the night deepen, so as my thoughts of you. It continues on to my dreams of you and I together. As the night turns day, I grab hold to little memories I have of you. I don't think I love you yet but you've managed to be special in my eyes, in your own way. 
Every part of you is beautiful. You're more than what you look because you're more beautiful in the inside. I can't help but think that I found a part of me inside of you. The way you think, speak and even breathe resonates that of my whole being. I get insecure. I get so afraid. How can I be worthy to stay by your side? As my heart speaks, "what a perfect creature."

Even if you do not feel the same way, I'd like to get my feelings across.

I am yours completely, if you take me.

I'll love you passionately and ardently.
It may not be as perfect and heart-fluttering as your first love. I may not be able to give the love you desire. It might not be the love you expect of me. The love that is as great and exciting as those before me. But as imperfect as I am, I will love you beyond perfection.

I'll open myself to a possibility of a tragic heart-break because yes, you are worth all the uncertainty.

To be able to caress your face is my dream.
To be able to hold your hand is sunshine and rainbows.
To be able to kiss you is cream puffs and licorice.
To be able to hug you is a furry sweater in a cold, cold night.

To be able to love you is paradise.

XXXXXX

I have to write.

The end of summer is coming near. I'm so worried lately for the next few days ahead yet I'm so excited with all my plans. I feel like I'm finally doing something with my life and I'm actually having a direction. A path with God by my side holding my hand, showing me the way.

I'm expecting my blog to be more active than ever. I have to write. I just have to. Finally, I have the confidence to write what I feel and not give a d*mn about anything. I have to write just because. I never felt so free. I never thought I would find love in writing and it just feels so free in doing what you love all along. I found the passion, will, and motivation.

Random words but interconnected feels.

I have to write.

XXXXXX

The letter speaks for itself.

Dear You,

Congratulations on earning a spot in my blog! It hurts my pride to write this letter succeeding a wonderful letter addressed to my supposed future beloved in my past blog post but since I could not contain the outbursts of my emotions, consider yourself privileged.

I'll be honest, I'll be harsh in the next few lines and a lot of people that'd come across this post might view me differently after reading this. Sorry but this is my form of justice. Writing addressed to you and practically all the people who offended me or hurt me is my way of returning the favor.

But since I have enough pride in me, I am going to make sure I'll write this letter as objectively as possible. As much as I want to write all the bad words, mockery and ignorant terms used today in 4 paragraphs or more, what fun would that be?

Instead, I'll choose to hurt you with this one simple truth and better read it carefully,
"Remember that what people say to you is a reflection of who they are."

With that said, can you tell me who you are?

A friend once told me, "Choose your battles."
I'm not the type to express my anger through social media or publicly for that matter. My friends are aware of this. Just saying in case you use that against me.

I have been through fights, verbally & physically and I can humbly tell you, I am not the one to store hate in me.

If you can only open my drafts, there are a lot of posts left unpublished. It is because I'd like to let my blog clean from any negativity. But here we are, here I am writing this letter and publishing it. Why you ask?

You can insult me, with everything I am. With how I look, how I talk, my status or even the way I live.
I won't simply care.

BUT. to question me with my faith is beyond acceptable.
People like you makes me question the goodness in everybody.

What's between my God and I is something you can never fathom.
My relationship with my God is something you can never question.

You, questioning my faith, makes me question yours.
But I won't do that. I won't stoop down to your level.

There is only one reason why I serve and that is because I LOVE GOD.

What is then your intention for yours?

I have kept mum for so long. There are so many distracting, pointless, and shallow issues within the church.
It's not something I can change and it's not something I can control. That's why I let it pass and I let it go.

It's disappointing to know there are people like you who carelessly make remarks and opinions about things you know nothing of. You're just simply disappointing. I shake my head whenever I think of people like you.

It amazes me even that you can make that kind of remarks to my very own mother.

As much as I want to forgive you, it would be too pretentious to say I already have.
But again, this is my own form of justice.
After the last character in this letter, I would let this go.

This is a sarcastic "thank you!", for making me aware and be cautious of people like you.

Sincerely,

Patch

The truth about being single.

The idea to write this article actually came up when I was about to go take a shower. My bestfriend and I were texting and honestly, I was pretty convinced we're die-hard feminists. Not until I decided to write this article. 

First of all, I would like to say that whatever I would write would constitute my right to say whatever I want to say. Although I am not going to write anything offensive, I would like to clear out that everything I will say is based on my experiences and is purely my opinion.

Also, I would like to say, to women specifically, that no one's going to convince you and make you believe that it's okay to be single other than yourselves. 

So yea, you've already got a clue on what I'm about to say in this article. 
No, it's not about how sad life is because no one texts you good morning/goodnight.
It's not about how ugly you feel when every girl friend you have has a boyfriend.

To my girls, this is how awesome life is when you're enjoying all your free time and money. But of course, it's not as shallow as that. Remember that.

Because when you're single, it doesn't matter whether you're 2 times heavier or lighter. (maybe it a little bit does) but because of that, you learn how to help yourself. You're not the damsel in distress anymore that needs an affirmation from a guy to know you're sexy and you're beautiful.
You go to the gym. You jog. You do yoga. And it's not for a guy, it's for yourself. 
For me, I think that's real freedom right there. 

It's not getting chained to what society is telling you that you should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.(I apparently support bisexuals/lesbians, I see no harm :] )

You motivate yourself to be better, look better, and feel better. That is love. That's real love.
Undeniably, the cliche, "..you must love yourself before others" is true.
But I don't think that's a problem. Because when you try to appreciate how you look in the mirror by doing your everyday routine like combing your hair, cutting your fingernails, or putting on powder, that's actually loving yourself. You're loving yourself without even putting so much of an effort in doing it. It's as simple as 1, 2, 3 or A, B, C. (Okay, that was lame, sorry.)

When you love somebody, it comes naturally. And it applies with every kind of love. Including self-love or whatever you may call it. Lol.

Give yourself that freedom because you deserve it.
Single or not, no one's going to give meaning to your life but you.

Do something crazy or do something ordinary, whatever it is, you are entitled to that decision. Being single is your decision so don't regret it. It's not easy but it's not something to be saddened about either.

Coming from someone who's been single for quite some time, and coming from someone who always gets the reaction, "omg, you're still single?!" I say, it's not so bad, you just have to see the goodness in everything.

Maybe it hurts, seeing how happy a couple is, but maybe you can change your perception or your hurt into something like, "Mr. Right and I, we're going to be like that someday." Eventually, you'll see yourself smiling goofily at lovey-dovey couples. (okay, maybe not all the time but you get the point)

I once told a friend of mine God's message to me when I prayed for a special someone,  I believe this is what he is telling me, "I will give you someone who will love you the way I want you to be loved." And you know, God's love is unconditional, perfect and infinite. So if he's going to give me someone who would give love that is just a bit close to that perfection, I am willing to wait.

The truth about being single is learning how to wait.
I'm not going to judge you if you're going to jump from one guy to another. It's not fair to generalize people. I've learned from a certain someone that you cannot generalize women/men with a lone situation.
You may have been used, lied to, cheated to. Or you've always been someone's alternative, second choice, or last. Remember, you are God's no. 1. And there's nothing more comforting than that. :)

Even it means waiting three years or more, I am in no rush. 
I am in the process of loving myself and being okay with my body's flaws, my insecurities, etc.
I am not perfect. No one is. 

So if you're reading this, and if you're single, repeat after me:

"It's PERFECTLY fine that I am single."

So women, go ahead and raise your unwaxed armpits, you're single, the hell they care! Lol.
On second thought, no, that's gross.
(I know I hate my humor)



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#100HappyDays

I am sorry but I cannot contain anymore my huge excitement for summer 2014!!
Recently, I signed up to this challenge called hashtag 100 happy days.
Everyday, you're going to take a picture of whatever made you happy.
Whether it's catching up with a friend, a cupcake or a person. You have to post the picture with #100HappyDays.

Lately, I don't know but it seems like the goal of the challenge is working. I really am superduper happy with my life. The happiest I've been actually. This is my best year so far. I am really excited of what is yet to come. I believe I am attracting all the positive and the good things in life. It's true I tell you. When I accepted the said challenge, at once, I received a special Starbucks planner (AND IT'S YELLOW) from a special friend. What are the odds right? 

On my second and third day, I started receiving my MOST SAGAD SAGAD WITH FEELINGS favorite dessert--cream puff. From my mom and a friend. On two consecutive days!! I mean again, what are the oddsssssss. 

And so, I believe if you want to be happy, you just go and do it and be happy. What I've learned from a decade and an eight is that you should be happy not for those around you, but for yourself. Do it for yourself. Reward yourself. And eventually, love and happiness will radiate from you. Effortlessly. 

A letter to my future beloved

Dear You,

How come I haven't met you yet? Or maybe I already did but I haven't realized it yet. I am so thrilled to see you. I am excited to share this overflowing love inside of me. But I figured we're not destined to be together yet. Maybe, I am not ready after all. Or maybe you're still in a relationship right now. Maybe you still have someone in your heart. Someone you cannot let go of. Even if we haven't met yet (or I haven't realized that I love you yet), I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want to know you're crying right now because of a broken heart. I want to make you smile. I want to embrace you and say, "Hey, I'm right here, it's okay, I love you and I will always will." I want to take away all your burdens and carry them myself. If you feel like giving up, I won't stop cheering you on. We would be the best partners-in-crime anyone would ever see. And I would expect you to do the same. I won't demand anything from you but love and understanding. Because you see, I am a complicated woman. I change my mind easily. I can be easily influenced by my surroundings. I am crazy. Sometimes I am loud and I would nag you and nag you and nag you but I can be also very very quiet and I won't dare make a sound. Please accept me like that with all your heart and soul. Love me and take me as I am. 

But whether I am naughty or nice, believe me when I say, I would always be loyal to you. I would take care of you when you're sick. I would run to nearest drugstore to buy you medicine. I would sing to you until you fall asleep. I would kiss you to melt all those bad feelings inside of you. I would do all this because I am truly, madly, deeply crazily, head-over-heels in love with you.

And yes, we would always be rejoicing in God's love. We would always go to church together. We would put Christ at the center of our relationship. It would be a three-way. And when we fight, we would always remember that Christ taught us not to harbor ill feelings towards each other. And that, our love is more important than our ego. I may ignore you, fight you, or hurt you but know that I just love you way too much that I hate us fighting. I would always pray to God for your success, your well-being and your family. I would pray to God just like every night that please if you're out there, wait for me. Wait for me until I am ready. Don't get married to someone else. Because I am yours to keep. I am fixing myself so that when it's the time for us to be together, I won't burden our relationship with my insecurities and personal issues. I pray to God that when we meet, you're ready too. We only have one shot at this. I won't mind taking that risk. I know when that time comes, there wouldn't be any doubts or confusion or hurt. I know when that time comes, I won't be afraid because you would be catching me when I fall.


Lots of love,

Patchi

The night everything ends.

I thank God I finally have the time to update this once again. Lol. Getting really lazy updating since I'm really (and I mean really) a frustrated writer. Whatever I am going to write though is a vague expression of my feelings. But I'll try to be as honest and as transparent but I really can't write my thoughts clearly so bear with me. (Also when I do my posts, I don't really care about grammar, punctuation, etc. curse you Grammar Naziss!! just kidding LOL)

Anyway, my title surely caught your attention. It is true. When I decide that I will stop, I "usually" do. Hopefully now though, I have made my firm resolve to just stop with all these non sense. Okay, that was harsh. Let's not call it non sense. I prefer "shannanigans" Lol. 

I am a girl (I mean woman!! I turned 18 a few days ago) who has been through a lot (and I mean A LOT) of painful experiences with relationships. After all that has happened, I never stopped having hope that one day, prince charming will sweep me off of my feet. I've learned that not all men are the same, and getting bitter about them won't help you AT ALL. There are good ones but there are A LOT of bad ones. There are people you like but don't like you and vice versa.

What I don't get is, I don't know why I stumble through the wrong people always. I don't know why my timing in their lives is always not the right time. Most of all, I hate it ( really really HATE) when I let my guard down and do it for the wrong people. I hate it when I question my self-esteem. "Am I really confident with who I am and what I look like?" But after years of trying to master loving myself, I think I have reached the point that I do. I do love myself and this is the night where questioning everything I believe in ends.

Because tonight, I won't bother if I am too small or too big for anyone. Tonight I am the Goddess, I am lovable and I am capable of being loved. Tonight, I will not change any thing about me for anyone. Tonight, I won't chase after people who would even think twice of chasing after me. Tonight God loves me and in God's eyes I am perfect. And this will go on every night. Every night I will promise myself that I would think of this and I won't abase myself. I would not dare to think that I am not enough because I am enough. And anyone who thinks that I am not worth it or I am not enough can talk to my hand! I respect myself so much and I won't go back to the horrific days that I didn't.

I am so tired. We, women, are so tired being the slaves of a player's mind. Tired of waiting. Tired of contemplating. Most of all, tired of getting hurt. This is the night everything ends. I can move on. It may take a while but I'm done with the guessing game. 

"When a guy really loves a woman, she doesn't have to plead with him to commit. He'd commit to her if she lived on the moon." -How to find your soulmate without losing your soul

On a lighter note, I'd like to tell all of the people who's feeling the same way I do that God can really heal anything. One moment you're sad but when you pray, God will embrace you with his burning love. When all else fails, God's love won't.

So hey pretty girl, don't get tired of waiting for Prince Charming, he will come! Just make sure you're ready too. :)


XXXXXX